A Princeton Affair

Valentine's Day — cheesy cards, frantic guys darting between class with flowers, awkward serenades in McCosh 50 — has faded quickly in our memories, yet many of us are still puzzled by the significance of the holiday. On a campus where many students complain there is no functioning dating scene, what is romance? Whether we spent February 14th alone with a pint of ice cream a la Bridget Jones or on a date with a low-cut top and red wine, we can all afford to better understand love at Princeton.

It's easy to understand the blind hookup after a night at the Street, but what about a love that transcends the collegiate "sleep over and have breakfast" relationship?

It is time to examine the institution of marriage at Princeton, one that has affected the DNA of our University and, possibly, our personal futures.

Some of us may remember following an awkward tour guide as pre-frosh, gawking at the beauty and magnitude of both the architecture and members of the opposite sex. As we followed our Orange Key guide, stumbling backwards in his Princeton flip-flops, we were led into Prospect Garden. Between Prospect House and the perfectly maintained orchids, many of us were told, "70 percent of Princeton students marry other Princeton students." To the ears of a disbelieving high school student, this statement resonated as elitist and exclusive and carried the tempting scent of "double-legacy." Now, even if you don't believe this impossibly high — and most likely inaccurate — statistic, you can't help but put the paper down, look around and wonder: will I marry the guy slumped deep in his work at the next table in Firestone? Will I marry the girl ferociously grinding calories on the Elliptical? What about the meathead in Classics? How about the lispy T.A.? Teeming in our midst are thousands of potential fiancés; all we have to do is sit back and open our eyes.

Even as countless students pronounce themselves too young to involve themselves in anything serious, hundreds of Princeton students and alums have fallen in love with each other on campus or after graduation and many have married.

How do we know if our Princeton relationships are whimsical two-monthers or longterm marriages-to-be?

For Samantha Cooper '05, former 'Street' editor, the intensity of her relationship with her fiancé, Richard Brand '02, was clear at an early age; neither deliberation nor desperation was necessary. But it wasn't exactly love at first sight. Cooper met Brand as a freshman in high school, and initially could not tolerate him. However, she unintentionally followed Brand to Princeton and crossed paths with him again at Cloister Inn during her freshman year. A passionate relationship ensued and continued until he graduated in the spring. The couple was determined, however, not to let distance keep them apart.

"Gradually, it became clear that I could see myself with him; I could see him as my husband," Cooper said. After much discussion, Brand eventually asked Cooper's father for permission to propose. Although Cooper originally wanted to wait until graduation to become engaged, it became obvious that she needed to be ready to accept love regardless of whether she was prepared for it. The couple is to be wed at the end of June, just weeks after Cooper's graduation from Princeton.

Though Cooper's experience may seem unusual, similar young encounters with future spouses have occurred for decades. Betsy and Bo Haas — both class of 1976 — and parents of Laura '06, met on the first day of Freshman Week. Both lived in a tightly-knit hall on the fourth floor of the Forbes Addition, and initially did not connect. "[After returning] for reading period in January something had changed, and there was an attraction between him and me," Betsy said. "During a walk on the golf course in a snowstorm, we shared our first kiss." The Haases started to date seriously during their Sophomore year and married fourteen months after graduation. Betsy lists one of the benefits of a Princeton marriage as the lifelong mutual involvement in the University.

The Mecca of Princeton marriages — The University Chapel — looms at the center of campus in an aura of marital exclusivity: only students and alumni, current staff and faculty and any children of those individuals are eligible to be married there. It is an elegant and foreboding arena. If you are reading this article and skeptical of your chances of finding love or a spouse on this campus, there is already a wedding venue awaiting you. Weddings in the University Chapel, according to Elizabeth Powers, the chapel administrator, occur mainly around the undergraduate schedule: the majority is conducted during summer months and weekends.

The process for marriage in the Chapel, however, is more complicated than mere eligibility. An intricate application process is required, and waiting lists are long. The three-year waiting list for Chapel marriages is a common campus myth, but the length of wait depends on the month of marriage. Reverend Deborah K. Blanks, associate dean of religious life, has experienced firsthand the deep connections in the matrimony of University personnel. Blanks, who usually officiates marriages for graduate students, staff and alumni, requires three meetings with each couple before performing the ceremony.

After class one day, I found myself wandering aimlessly down the center aisle of the Chapel, shaking from the vibrations of the pipe-organ. I stood under the cavernous vaulted ceilings and admired a legacy of marriages; so many deep connections fortified in one of the most sacred places on campus. Hundreds of University couples have joined in matrimony in that exact spot, and hundreds more, currently darting around the University from class to class, will be wed here in years to come. The Chapel, however, is only a small part of the typical experience for an on-campus wedding. After the ceremony, many Princetonian couples hold celebrations in Prospect House or at an eating club.

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Teresa Lane '84, assistant to the president for capital projects, and husband Ned were married eight years ago in the Chapel and held their reception at Tiger Inn. Lane's father, class of '34, had been a member of TI, and she had partied hard there during her undergraduate years. The couple transformed the club into "a warm and inviting home with hundreds of votive candles and lots of personal touches — an Irish pub in the basement and a selection of foods from four different countries in the dining room." Just think, where you chug beers tonight could be your wedding reception tomorrow.

For Matthew Millen '05, mixing marriage with school is no new routine. The jack-of-all-trades is writing his thesis and working two jobs — all while supporting a wife and young son. The family lives in an apartment off campus, and the mature Millen admits that his unique experience has deeply changed his identity as a Princeton student. So, as you dart from class to class, package pickup to study session, imagine already having a loving spouse and child waiting for you at home; how that would change your life as a student?

Love at Princeton manifests itself in various forms — not just among the throngs of undergrads and alumni. For campus professionals as well, the University has been a uniting force. For Sharyn Murray of the Office of Leadership Gifts and Larry Frazer, catering chef in Dining Services, their marriage on campus will be more unconventional and creative.

Unlike the traditional weddings in the University Chapel, Frazer and Murray plan to marry in the exact spot of their first encounter, the Dinky. They will perform the ceremony in June at the Dinky station and celebrate with friends aboard the train. Of course, all music will be train-themed.

Underneath the surface of college life, few of us realize,we are already deeply connected to marriage at our institution. Countless numbers of matriculated students — 168 in the class of 2008 alone — not to mention alumni, are part of long chains of Princeton legacies. Whether their parents met when they woke up together after a blacked-out night or at a Princeton reunion 10 years later, hundreds of Princeton students have had both parents attend the University. "If you have children as an alumni couple, and they should choose to go to Princeton, then you can live the whole experience over again as a couple!" said Betsey Haas on being a Princeton parent.

According to Dean of Admission Janet Rapelye, "it is more common now to see [undergraduate applicants with] both parents as graduates than it was 10 years ago."

There must exist a gene in Princeton DNA that causes Princeton students to marry other Princetonians. Do Princeton students have a unique, shared outlook on life? Is our undergraduate experience so defining that we find it difficult to marry outside of the "Princeton family"? Do our styles and our intellects attract only members of the same species?

"Each couple is so different, but the reasons they wish to unite as one are very much the same," commented Blanks on officiating Princeton marriages. "[Couples] indicate that they have found that 'significant other' who complements them in an amazingly wonderful way and fills them with a deep sense of joy."

Alumni will be glad to hear that unlike other universities, the Princeton atmosphere is oriented much more toward academic goals than marital ones. Marriage, however, is all around us at this school; between our graduates, amongst our students, in our facilities. Maybe we should stop resisting the idea of marriage and face the issue like the mature adults we believe ourselves to be.

College is reputably the last hurrah of wild fun without commitment, the best four years, when marriage rarely enters the equation. If a serendipitous connection finds you on this campus, in the words of Cooper, "let it come naturally, because it will surprise you." We all understand that our spouses may be in our midst at Princeton, but until we actually cross paths with them, let's just have a good time.