Taekwondo not in my genes after all

Jackie Chan would be proud of me.

Well, maybe not.

As an Asian, I have often keenly felt the absence of any knowledge of martial arts. It was made quite clear to me by the movies and television that if I ever wanted to get ahead in the world, smarts and good looks would only get me so far without the knowledge of how to wield a sword or break a board with my bare hand.

Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li and Lucy Liu — so hot by the way — are all excellent examples. Even Disney had Mulan kicking a bunch of Huns around. Then again, Disney also makes movies about talking bugs and flying elephants, so I'm not sure Mulan's the best example.

Regardless, I was a happy man when I discovered that I would fulfill my ethnic destiny and participate in club taekwondo team practice. With the skills I'd surely learn, I would finally get my chance to be a movie star.

I'd meet Natalie Portman, of course. Eat lunch with Will Ferrell. Go fishing with P. Diddy. Have Bernie Mac over for poker and cigars. Look out, world: Kentucky's own Daniel Satterfield is going to be the new "Walker, Texas Ranger" — oriental style.

And so it was that I walked into the Dillon Multipurpose room, armed with nothing more than dreams of schmoozing it up with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Well, maybe not Michael Douglas. Definitely Catherine Zeta-Jones, though.

The first thing I noticed was junior Carew Smith sitting in the corner in a cast. I had arrived to see the end of the beginner class, and the advanced class had yet to show up. During the course of a conversation with Carew, I was more than a little uneasy to discover that the cast came from an accident in a previous taekwondo practice.

Upon learning this, I promptly and very nonchalantly made my way to the door only to meet the seven members of the advanced class coming in. Unable to think of a good excuse or prior engagement, I agreed to warm up with them.

Now, I'm in reasonably good shape considering I don't go the gym or participate in any sports, so I was pretty confident of my ability to keep up with whatever warm-up activities they could throw at me. I played soccer in high school, darn it, and the long walk home from the Street isn't that easy on ice, my friend.

Half an hour later, after watching seven people go through every possible body contortion and rigorous exercise man has thought of in the past four millennia, I was less convinced of my own physical prowess, not to mention much more impressed by the mechanics of the human body.

Sophomore Rachel Bleiweiss-Sande, the president of the team, was my primary tutor for the evening and used the time between her gravity-defying lethal stunts to apologize for how boring practice was.

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ROUND-HOUSE, SIDE-KICK.

"We have our national tournament this Saturday, so we've been working hard for that."

SIDE-KICK, SNAP-KICK.

"I'm sorry if this practice seems so boring."

Mouth agape and wincing at the especially deadly-looking moves, I assured her I wasn't bored. I later found out from Master Rex Hatfield that Bleiweiss-Sande had won the taekwondo national tournament in something called "Poomse" last year.

In English, Poomse means form — it's an individual exercise that requires perfect technique while allowing for unique flourishes. Each stance and kick is done precisely while retaining an easy flow.

During the pad exercises, I got to see just how powerful the blows were. Bleiweiss-Sande held up a black pad waist-high and instructed me how to do a kick by bringing my knee up, snapping the leg out through the pad, and withdrawing it quickly. After a few false starts and me stumbling around on one leg, I managed to perform a kick that I was certain would impress any director in Hollywood. Look out, Jet Li, Daniel Satterfield's coming to town.

And then Bleiweiss-Sande had her turn as I held the pad, and I found out where comic book writers got their scripts.

POW! BLAM!

Each kick came out faster than the eye could follow. Even with a camera that can shoot five pictures a second, I still wasn't sure if it was going to be possible to have a picture in the paper that didn't look like one big blur.

Luckily for us, she could also do it in slow motion. Showoff. Don't tell her I said that — I'm pretty sure she can beat me up.

Okay, okay. So maybe Jackie Chan's not going to be that excited about my fighting expertise. So maybe I'm not going to be the hit new star of a TV miniseries called "Satterfield, Kentucky Ranger." And maybe I'm not going to meet Natalie Portman.

But there's hope yet for a non-fighting Asian to make it big. My dreams of following in Jackie Chan's footsteps may have been dashed, but after some deep reflection, I've found a new inspiration: Michelle Kwan.

That's right, I'm going figure skating. By this time next week, I'll be headed straight for the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin. Check back next week for details.

I wonder if Michelle Kwan knows Natalie Portman?