The education of Prince Charming

Last week's Bicker sessions and initiations allowed Princeton sophomores the opportunity to present their refined social skills to their peers. But on other elite campuses like MIT, "charm school" programs have been established to help awkward students socialize. Guest columnist Jamie Gainer takes a look at these popular programs.

The first thing I felt when I heard about MIT's charm school was rage. Pure, blind rage.

You see I had to sell my younger brother into slavery to pay the tuition here. With all my sacrifices was I still to be deprived of an opportunity given to students at a school in Cambridge, Mass., no less?

In case you don't read The New York Times Science Times every Tuesday — don't worry, I don't either, but then again, I'm illiterate — and therefore do not realize the full merits of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, it will suffice to say that an article in last week's Science Times noted that MIT offers a series of classes on such challenging topics as clearing one's throat, flirting and eating soup. When I heard this, I realized, I don't really know the proper way to clear my throat. In fact, I may have been dephlegming myself incorrectly for years.

Apparently, at MIT, they think their engineers need some extra help. Life can be tough for those engineers with their damnable high paying jobs and that gnawing sense of accomplishment they inevitably feel. I mean, these are people who know what a Wankel engine is. They are not the ones who need help. I need help. Desperately.

My first step towards ending the charm school gap was releasing some of my pent-up wrath. After a relaxing day of scourging my roommate, sunbathing in the radioactive basement of the Jadwin physics hall and becoming Brother Stephen's bishop to Ruthenia, I felt ready to address the problem with a cool head.

Before you complain about the triviality of my sentiment, gentle reader, may I briefly enunciate some of the benefits for humankind if such a system of comprehensive social education were adopted universally:

1. People in famine-plagued countries would be able to go to expensive restaurants from which they have been heretofore banned on account of their ignorance of etiquette. If they were able to go to such restaurants, which often offer as many as seven full courses, the problem of world hunger would be solved.

2. If Al Gore had had the opportunity to go to charm school during his tenure at a small community college also located in Cambridge, Mass., then just think of the different situation we'd be in now. We'd have a president who can read. Heck, if these charm school programs are as good as they say, President Nader might be about to announce his $1.3 trillion tax hike to Congress.

3. Instead of locking myself in the toilet paper closet every Saturday night, I might be able to go to the 'Street.'

4. My daily fertility ritual, during which I sprinkle my torso with the blood of a newly sacrificed baby seal and perform an elaborate calisthenics routine in my hallway while singing the words of "Aura Lee" backwards, could be replaced by a more efficient and less bloody method of obtaining the favors of the opposite sex. Maybe I could even talk to girls.

5. Instead of living his life as a lonely and bitter man, Friedrich Nietzsche would have been able to enjoy stimulating social contacts with his neighbors. The noted philologist-philosopher could have turned his considerable talents towards developing reality-based television shows the whole family could enjoy.

Get the best of ‘the Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

6. Richard Nixon might have become the fourth Beatle.

7. You could do something meaningful with your life instead of reading the mindless drivel I've been spewing out for the past, say 576, words.

So, as you can see, fellow men and women of the orange and black, it is our moral duty to demand similar programs here at Princeton University. We must "put our feet in the a** of the [current] situation," as Immanuel Kant so eloquently expressed in his Critique of Pure Reason. Or was that Busta Rhymes on Conan?

How, you ask, gentle reader, are we to succeed in getting charm school based on the MIT model here at Princeton? Well it is simple. I am going to go on a hunger strike — excepting meals and snacks — until my demands are met. Other students will follow my example. Together, through our labors, we shall triumph.