Across a boundary, hands clasped

Editor's Note: With this article, The Daily Princetonian launches a 10-part series on how race affects the lives of Princetonians.

James Wiley '01 wasn't used to losing. So when Bonnie Lee '01 beat him in a game of pool one day last year at Cap and Gown Club, he decided to keep playing until he won. Every day after lunch, he would drag her upstairs to the pool table and they would play until they had to leave for class. Again after dinner, he would pull her away from her meal so they could play some more. On Thursday and Saturday nights, when their friends were drinking and dancing, they played pool.

"He couldn't beat me, and it killed him," Lee recalled, smiling. "He was obsessed. Eventually, after several months he was finally able to beat me. Now, I'd say we're pretty even."

Wiley and Lee — who had met as molecular biology lab partners the previous year — were soon inseparable friends. So when they started dating a few months later, no one was surprised.

Yet when Wiley and Lee walk down the street together, they often are greeted by looks of just that — surprise. Sometimes, they catch people staring at them. Occasionally, someone yells to them, "You're making history!" And when the couple was visiting Las Vegas last summer, two tourists yelled, "Give her a kiss!" and took a photograph.

Why all the attention?

"I think it's because they've never seen two such good-looking people at once," Wiley said, laughing.

But there could be another reason: Wiley is black and Lee is Chinese-American.

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As a child, Wiley did not watch a lot of television. His parents did not want him to be exposed to the racial stereotypes — particularly those concerning blacks — portrayed in television programs.

"My parents were very careful to make sure that I definitely knew my identity as an African-American person," Wiley said. "I was definitely subjected to cultural awareness-type things."

Wiley grew up in Barto, Pa., a rural town about an hour-and-a-half northwest of Philadelphia. The Wiley house is flanked by two farms, and there is a golf course across the street. His family was one of the first black families to move to this conservative area.

"It's not exactly the bastion of diversity," Wiley quipped.

"Unfortunately, where we have chosen to live, it's not as multicultural as we would like for it to be," his mother, Michelle Wiley, said in a phone interview. "To counteract that, we tried to impress on our kids that it's important to be proud of who you are. Just impressing on them good values — not to fall into the stereotypes that society holds."

The Wileys also prepared their children to face racism.

"They've told me before," James Wiley, Jr. said, "when I was a little kid, point blank, 'Some people aren't going to like you because you're black. It's not something you can help . . . There's nothing you can do about it. It's just a fact of life.' I never ever expect it from people, but when I see it, I'm not shocked and I'm not amazed."

"I think it takes a certain confidence in who you are not to be racist, not to be threatened by being the only black person in the room," he said. "You have to be confident in who you are as a black person."

The older of two boys, Wiley grew up feeling comfortable as a racial minority. He attended predominantly white private schools, and most of his childhood friends were white.

Then, for his last three years of high school, he attended a more racially mixed public school. Though his parents encouraged him to make black friends and to date black girls, Wiley had a fairly diverse group of friends and dated girls of different races.

When Wiley stepped onto the Princeton campus for the first time, however, he entered a different world than the one in which he had been raised.

"It was kind of mind-boggling, just the bigness of it, coming from a smaller area to something like this," Wiley said. "It was a pretty seamless transition. It wasn't like I was lost for any amount of time. It wasn't that I was blown away from it. It was just the next step from my high school education."

At Princeton, Wiley did not actively seek out black students. Most of his friends here are white and Asian. He does participate in a predominantly black Christian worship service — but does so more for the style of worship than for the racial make-up of its members.

Wiley said he knows it hasn't been "a hundred-percent easy" for his parents to accept the fact that he is dating someone who is not black, and he is proud of the effort they have made to get to know Lee.

"I had envisaged him finding a nice black girl," Michelle Wiley admitted. "I do have concerns about interracial dating because I know it complicates matters. I have a brother who married someone of a different race and I see it first-hand. I can't say I'm upset by it. I'm not upset by it. I just feel it complicates things."

Wiley said interracial dating is an issue that has come up in his family before. "My mom, in high school, every once in a while would half-jokingly ask me, 'Aren't there any black girls at this school?' " he said. "But they've been wonderful about it. I know it isn't something that they worry about or that gives them any amount of stress because they know Bonnie. Bonnie's a great girl. For them, first and foremost has always been faith. The fact that she's a Christian. We share the same religion. I think that's the most important thing for them."

Michelle Wiley said she wanted her sons to date women who were similar to them spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

"To be honest, even before he started dating Bonnie, my expectations for my children have always been that they would find someone . . . like-minded, rather than the same color," she said.

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For Wiley, Princeton was the "bastion of diversity" he had never experienced growing up. But for Lee, it was just the opposite.

"I was very amused when I came here and I was told that I would be a minority," Lee said. "I didn't get it. I'd never been a minority before. That's why I just ran for cover, at first."

Lee is from a predominantly Asian community in Los Angeles. In high school, most of her friends were Asian. She also belonged to an Asian Christian fellowship and dated Asian boys. So when she arrived on campus for the first time, she felt overwhelmed by its whiteness.

She found shelter in organizations such as the Asian Student Association and Manna Christian Fellowship. She took Chinese language classes, and gathered around her a group of close Asian friends.

"It was security in the sense that it reminded me of home," she said.

But Lee had not always been surrounded by Asian friends, despite growing up in a predominantly Asian community. In fact, for most of her childhood, her friends had been predominantly white. She had attended a private elementary school, where she was one of only a few Asian students. However, at that age, race had not been an issue.

Lee remembers vividly the first time she became aware of her race. It was the sixth grade, and she was talking with her friends about dating.

"My class was only about 30 students, and there was only one other Asian kid and he was very dorky, to put it bluntly," Lee recalled. "They automatically thought I should pair up with him, and I was like, 'There's no way I'm ever going to date an Asian boy.' They're like, 'What, you want to date a white boy?' It made me think for a second. It sounded kind of weird, but I was like, 'Yeah.' That's one of the clearest conversations I can remember from middle school."

All through her childhood, Lee's parents had placed great importance on Chinese language and culture. Lee and her siblings attended Chinese school and traveled to Taiwan for summer school and language camp. Her parents spoke to them in Chinese, though the children often responded in English.

"We feel strongly that although we wish our children to be fully integrated into this society, they should have a sense of where their roots are," Ellen Lee, Bonnie's mother, said in an e-mail.

But it was not until she was in high school — at an age when many children rebel against their parents — that Lee embraced her Chinese heritage. Most of her friends at school were white. It was through a Christian fellowship at her church — which was predominantly Asian — that she established a group of Asian friends.

"I think in every person's life, at some point, they discover their culture," Lee said. "I think the biggest cause of the change-over at that point was just the type of boy I preferred. Being more attracted to Asian guys, I began to hang out in an Asian group. I think crowds form because guys want to hang out with girls and girls want to hang out with guys."

When Lee came to Princeton, she had an Asian boyfriend from home, whom she continued dating throughout freshman year. Rather than forcing herself to go out and make friends of different races, she sought out Asian students, with whom she felt comfortable.

"I was looking for quick security," she explained.

She remained involved in the Asian community at Princeton until the spring of her sophomore year, when she realized she was missing out.

"It's kind of weird to admit, but I counted one day how many non-Asian people I considered my friends," she recalled. "And that's when it became very real to me. I think I was tired of being in the minority scene. I wanted to join the mainstream culture. It's hard because a lot of minorities don't join the eating clubs. And when dances roll around and you realize you don't get to go because your friends aren't in it and you can't even go out to the 'Street' if you wanted to because you don't know anybody, it gets old. That's when I decided I wanted to do something about it."

Though she felt comfortable around her non-Asian roommates, Lee felt slightly intimidated by most white students.

"I've always been a very confident person," she said. "When I was talking to a non-Asian person, I felt a step behind. I felt like I was the underdog. And I really was not comfortable in that position."

She knew that the only way to make the transition would be to throw herself into a situation where she had to become friends with non-Asians. So she decided to bicker Cap and Gown. At the time, she knew almost no one in the club.

"It's very calculating, I'll fully admit, how I plotted how to rise out of that," Lee confided. "I knew that if I struggled for a while, I would reach a point where I was past the struggling portion of it all. Many argue that it's fake. It was almost Machiavellian, ends justify the means. I knew that once I knew them, it wouldn't be fake because they would be my friends and once I did it a number of times, I could do it without even thinking about it.

"So, I needed to get to a point where these people were my friends and I no longer had to see the color lines," Lee added. "And then things would go along how I wanted them to and I would be pretty much a normal person."

And so she bickered Cap. She met countless members, as well as her fellow Bickerees. And then she got hosed.

"Honestly, it wasn't hard because I knew I wasn't going to get in the first time," Lee said. "If I had gotten in, I wouldn't have believed much in it. There's no way you can make a huge impression on someone in five minutes . . . All of that would be such a superficial opinion. That had I gotten in — it wouldn't have been based on who I was."

Lee was not discouraged. When she went out the next weekend, she saw familiar faces. She danced and talked and got to know more members. She bickered in the fall, and this time, she got in.

"I'm glad I got in Fall Bicker because when I got in, everyone knew who I was," she said. "It was really exciting. I just had the most wonderful experience with it. And I know you can't take the Bicker process personally. It's just who you know. And I just put in the time to get to know the people, and it paid off."

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Lee said her desire to "switch over" is not unique. In fact, she said, many of her Asian friends have approached her and asked, "How did you get out?"

"About junior year, it hits everyone," she explained. "You're over the hump, you're almost on your way out. You're comfortable in the school, you're secure. You've grown out of your bubble and you're ready for something new. You're ready for new challenges. Unfortunately, for a lot, sometimes it's too late. I hit mine at a point where I could do something about it."

"My parents took every measure possible to make sure I grew up and knew how to speak Chinese," Lee said. "I think Asian parents tend to be more — I don't want to say — close-minded . . . I just feel that Asian parents are very conservative. It's hard for them to see why it might even be an evolutionary step in the right direction for interracial couples. They very much feel that their culture is being threatened, is being lost through us. My parents since I've been young have very much instilled in me the idea that, 'You're Chinese. Don't forget it. You're not white. You're not black. You're Chinese.' "

"I think that programming started to play out in my mind and I had to battle against it," she continued. "I'm still very good friends with my Asian friends. It's not something I've turned my back on . . . I've tried to open my mind. At first it was hard because it had been so long since I'd had interaction with other groups of people that it was hard for me to see them seeing me as just a person and not an Asian person."

But now when she goes home, Lee finds it strange to be surrounded by Asians. She said she hasn't turned her back on her culture. It remains an important part of her history. But she has a new perspective.

"I think when I graduate from Princeton, pretty much the one thing I'll remember that it taught me was to cross over and be open to all races," she said. "I think that's one of the biggest lessons I've learned here. I admit, I had to struggle for it, whereas maybe ideally, it should be something that is easy."

Lee said her relationship with Wiley is not a product of her "cross-cultural achievement," though it is a result of her decision to join an eating club.

"James is a minority also, so I didn't cross any borders," she explained. "I feel like there's a camaraderie between minorities. In my minority status, back freshman year, sophomore year, I would have been more comfortable speaking with another minority than with a white person."

Wiley may share Lee's minority status, but she must still face pressure from her parents, who have always encouraged her to date Chinese-Americans.

"They're worried because I have two siblings, none of which is dating an Asian. I was the one they always thought would marry an Asian," she said.

Still, she is sure her parents are open-minded enough to accept him.

And her confidence appears to be well-founded.

"Even though we really would have liked all our children to marry Chinese, that's just from our viewpoint," her mother said in a phone interview. "We know that James is a good kid."

"We do realize that in a society where there is only a small percentage of Chinese population, it may be unrealistic to ask her to date only from this group," she added later by e-mail. "Bonnie is an independent young woman at college, she has shown herself to be a good judge of character in the friends she chooses, she is free to decide who she wishes to befriend or date."

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Sitting in a cozy booth in the Frist Beverage Lab, Wiley and Lee reflected on the level of tolerance for interracial couples at Princeton. Both said they have never received a negative comment about their relationship on campus.

"I think Princeton is as open as any other place," he said.

"Or maybe we've just surrounded ourselves with open-minded people," she interjected, stealing his smoothie.

"Could be," he said, smiling.

Both said they know of other interracial couples on campus, though they have both observed the tendency of minority groups to segregate themselves.

"I certainly know a lot of black people who are used to being with people who are like themselves, and so that's what they look for when they come here," Wiley said, leaning forward on his elbows. "And then there are also black people who come to Princeton and they're used to being around a diverse crowd of people, and that's where they find themselves . . . I don't think it's something that happens because you're black or Asian or white or whatever. It happens because that's what you're used to at home."

Lee, who had been watching and listening as Wiley spoke, added, "I think also, if you're Asian, the Asian groups will seek you out, almost. There will be a force that sucks you in. Whereas out on the regular campus, it's very much like you're going to meet people and get to know people based on who you are only, and not based on race."

"I think a lot of the minority groups do that, though, just because Princeton is a very white campus," Wiley responded. "There's that concern there that minority students who come here might not feel comfortable and so minority groups on campus seek out students to make them more at home. I think it's definitely a good thing, too. I think there's definitely something to be said for being around people who are like yourself, but I don't think it should be used as a crutch."

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Both Wiley and Lee say race has influenced their relationship.

"I definitely feel a sense of pride when I walk next to James," Lee said. "I like it when people see us. I want people to see us. I'm not trying to teach people a lesson, but I like when people see us together."

She said Asian men will "check out James" to see why she crossed the racial line, and black girls will do the same to her.

"I do like Asian people seeing me next to a black person," she said. "It shows them there's another way to go. I wouldn't make a decision unless I was proud of it."

"Obviously, we look pretty different," Wiley said. "When I look at her, I know she isn't black. But I'm so used to seeing it, it's not one of the things I'm constantly reminded of. Culturally, too, I guess we're different to some extent. She's had a lot of cultural-immersion type experiences with her Chinese heritage."

But despite different cultural backgrounds, they have had similar upbringings. Both grew up in upper-middle class homes, attended both private and public schools and belonged to Southern Baptist churches.

"By and large, we've both had an American experience," Wiley said. "We've both played on the sidewalk. We both see what's going on around us in a very similar light. To that extent, we're quite similar."

Wiley is taking Chinese this semester for the first time. He plans to spend next year in China, teaching English or doing lab research.

And Lee attends the Hallelujah worship service with Wiley.

Michelle Wiley reflected on the couple's differences and similarities.

"If society were more accepting of people the way they were, then there would be no problem," she said. "The society we live in is very biased toward people of different colors and nationalities. What complicates things is society's reaction to them. With my kids, I'm more concerned with them finding someone who is like-minded spiritually, with like-minded goals and expectations."

"James and Bonnie seem to be very like-minded," she said. "That's beyond color."