Sweet talking with conversation hearts

Hallmark entices you into their store by promising to save you from uttering those three dangerous simple words. "When you care enough to say the very best," Hallmark tells us, we don't even have to open our mouth – unless candy comes with the envelope.

People would much rather do anything than straightforwardly proclaim their affection. If you give someone a diamond ring, do you think you even have to ask them to marry you? Whether they hope to find their words at Tiffany or at the local card mart, the concept is fundamentally the same, but surely with a different price tag.

The same goes for the legendary Sweethearts, the ultimate emblem of sweet talk – in more ways than one. Lovers have been sifting through boxes looking for the perfect saying since the turn of the century when the hearts were created. Necco, makers of world-famous classic conversation hearts ("as always they're fat free!"), mass produces over one billion every year in two sizes and six colors. At the bargain price of 50 cents per 1.2 oz box of pure sugar, artificial flavor and color, anyone can afford to buy a case and censor accordingly and send their roommates the rejected messages.

Several of the original messages remain in circulation, such as "MY MAN" and "BE MINE." Most of the truly sappy and bizarre sayings have gone into extinction over the years. Still, don't be surprised if you find a "GAY MAN" floating in your box. Originally carrying quite a different connotation, this heart was only retired a couple of years ago. Stale versions have been spotted even this year.

Every once in a while, a saying is pulled out of retirement to reinfuse a little old-fashioned, cheesy romance. "ONLY YOU" is Necco's premillenial hope to revive the golden era of love.

This year Necco added eight new sayings to the 100+ phrases tattooed on the world's most popular Valentine's Day candies to catch up with today's Singled Out cynicism. Hip-hop fans and technology wizards will go weak in the knees with "YOU GO GIRL," "YEAH RIGHT," "WWW.CUPID" and "BE MY ICON." Generation-Z third-graders have forced the heart market into creating hipper sound bites. They're way to cool to give their crushes "CUTIE PIE" or "LOVE BUG".

Send your long-distance love a box full of "E-MAIL ME" and "FAX ME" hearts or drop a not-so-subtle hint by throwing a fist full of "NO WAY" candies at their door. "MARRY ME" is available for those looking to make this Valentine's Day truly remarkable and don't forget that you can have your own personalized message printed on the hearts for next year.

The only trick is finding out what to do with the 3,600 pounds (1.7 million pieces) that is the minimum production requirement. That definitely spells L-O-V-E.

A question remains, however. Why are conversation hearts annually abuzz? What is there staying power? How did their production come about? Was paper too expensive to produce? If you suddenly realized that you were not in the middle of some "REAL LOVE," could you quickly devour the evidence?

Perhaps we get excited over these tiny confectionaries because of their dual usage – you can't really hang them up on your wall like a flowered greeting card, though they may be sending the same message. You can get your point across, however, and get a little sugar high as well.

Maybe, however, these little candies are not as insignificant as they appear. Two words on an easily breakable heart from Pewaukee, Wisconsin sometimes state what some women and men can barely express and others use for less noble purposes. Necco's shaped wafers somehow suggest that the language of love is not as important as it once was. Words have begun to mean less and less – a mixed blessing. At some level, emotions have been pushed to the front, but are they the next to go? And these mass-produced chalky pieces have missing letters, uncentered words, and are sometimes completely blank. Does this suggest the sorry state of love in our modern times?

You may want to kill all of your lovebirds with one stone by buying in bulk at Nassau Street's very own CVS. Just cross your fingers that your valentines won't compare. The recipient of "Have a dyno-bite Valentine's Day" will surely be jealous of anyone who gets "You're a hit with me." Watch out for broken lollipops, which may send the message of a break up.

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But if you really want to get serious – go for chocolate, actually proven to boost your serotonin levels. If you can push your way through the piles of ribbons, lace and roses that smother every possible shaped box of candy, you'll hit the gold mine with Russel Stover's 3 pound mother of all Valentine gift boxes which can be yours for $44.99.

Finding the perfect confection to express true love may not be on everyone's agenda this week, but don't despair, there is still time to score a date for Valentine's Day. Just grab a $1.44 bag of M&M's, York Peppermint Patties, or Hershey's Kisses, bring them to a precept and wait for the magic to happen. If sparks don't fly, at least you will have a pile of "You're Neat" hearts to console your aching spirit. And just wait for that 50% off sale on Sunday . . .