I could write a solemn, factually accurate column in which I carefully explain why Bill Clinton has had almost nothing to do with the economy's recent strong performance and point out the numerous underpublicized foreign policy disasters he is responsible for and just in general say a lot of things that need to be said about a very disappointing presidency; but that doesn't sound like it would be much fun for anybody so instead I'm going to ridicule Bill's sex life. Well, ridicule is the wrong word. Rather, I am going to engage in a thoughtful debate of the pros and cons of the matter, noting the ways that it hurts, and also the ways that it strengthens, our great nation.
Before I begin, I must confess a bias. I've been a bit suspicious of Clinton ever since that first "I feel your pain." Maybe this is just because I grew up in New Jersey (State motto: "What the hell are you doing here?"), but when someone declares, "I feel your pain," I feel a need to draw this man close to me, then knee him in the bollocks and quip, "That's what my pain feels like. Thanks for your interest." Hence I may be unfairly harsh on Bill.
For instance, when a man has an affair, and then lies to his wife about it, and then lies to the press about it, and then goes on "60 Minutes" and lies to millions of people about it, I think he has a credibility problem. Many disagree with me. Please keep that in mind while you read.
I'll kick things off with a negative. When news stories on the President of the United States consistently begin with "This material is not suitable for children," something's gone wrong. Say what you will about George Bush, but the phrase "dried semen" was never linked with his name. Nor, to my knowledge, has that term ever been used in the same sentence with the words "Bob Dole." That is the way it should be. I think every American, including the President, is entitled to bodily fluids but usually we should keep them to ourselves.
On the other hand, Clinton has done some of the most important theological work since Saint Thomas Aquinas by proving that the Bible does not consider oral sex to be adultery. How many of us even read the Bible, let alone read it closely enough to discover that God wants us to get some action on the side? More power to Clinton for spreading a part of the gospel that the Pope has scandalously ignored for far too long.
Then again, there is something unseemly about the fact that Clinton's top mistress is a slightly overweight twenty-one year old intern who can't keep her mouth shut (Note: There is no innuendo to see here. Move along!). He's the President of the United States. He should be able to get at least a former model. Our country has an image to maintain.
Then again, Clinton has brought an exciting new morality to the White House. For too long the White House has been filled with guys like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln and other fellows who were honest and courageous and devoted to their wives. That gets old really fast.
It's time we had a new kind of man in the White House. A man who isn't afraid to lie under oath or obstruct justice once in a while. A man who is willing to say, "Well, I really should be preparing for the summit tomorrow, but that chick is dropping some serious hints." Bill Clinton is that man.
To conclude, I would like to defend Clinton for a moment. As I admitted earlier, I'm biased against him. When Noel Gallagher of Oasis was asked about the Spice Girls, he ignored the fact that they were selling more albums than his band and, rather than insult them, classily wished the girls "luck on their diets." That is the spirit in which I wish to operate. Hence, to ensure that this article is fair to Bill Clinton, here is a list of sexual transgressions he has not been accused of. Too often the media, in its quest to point out all his wrong doings, ignores the many wrong doings Clinton could have committed but did not, including: incest, bestiality, necrophilia, bestial necrophilia, and "feeling up" a Shriner. Please keep that in mind when impeachment hearings roll around. Thank you.