It has come to my attention that some people on campus think squirrels are "cute" and "cuddly." I am here to rectify this error. Squirrels are terrifying miniature hell-beasts who have the capability to utterly trash your room over winter break, leaving you crying at midnight, forced to sleep in McCosh because your own room is utterly inhabitable by humans. Beyond a certain Prox editor’s personal experience, here are ten reasons squirrels are the absolute worst.

 

1. Squirrels are MEAN

http://gph.is/15y3Bt7 

They steal food meant for birds, whom I have no beef with, though karma got this unlucky guy.

 

http://gph.is/1lMzJ3t

http://gph.is/1lMzJ3t 

They even steal from adorable stuffed versions of their own kind!

 

2. Squirrels are overeaters

http://gph.is/15sG3Ca 

Slow down, squirrel! Haven't you heard there’s an obesity epidemic in this country?

 

3. Squirrels can’t understand balloons aren’t food

http://gph.is/1qJEOtT 

What food looks like that in the real world? Nothing, you dumb squirrel.

 

4. They are mean to llama emperors

http://gph.is/14VEgcp
Kuzco isn’t great, and Yzma is one of my favorite Disney baddies, but this squirrel is the real villain ofThe Emperor’s New Groove.

 

5. Flying squirrels are frankly terrifying

http://gph.is/1ndR0VO 

Look at that. Look at that horror. How could you possibly advocate for that?

 

6. Squirrels are the reason your earbuds are always tangled

http://gph.is/17CPRzT 

Yep. It’s a tiny squirrel in your pocket, wreaking all that havoc on your poor, innocent earbuds.

 

7. They are horrible ballerinas

http://gph.is/XLq2Ir
Terrible technique.

 

8. They have no knowledge of predator-prey relationships

http://gph.is/1iHYQ7Z 

That cat is at least five times bigger than the squirrel, and the squirrel doesn’t even care.

 

http://gph.is/16nw7Mv 

That’s a snake, squirrel! Who are you even kidding.

 

9. Squirrels even terrorize our most popular young adult writers

http://gph.is/XGUl2Q 

What did poor John Green do to deserve this?!

 

10. And pandas!

http://gph.is/1186y4t 

Pandas are endangered. Squirrels aren’t. There's a clear winner here.

 

So, for my personal pleasure, here are some .gifs of terrible things happening to squirrels. They are kind of mean, yes, but they made me laugh while I cleaned poop off of every surface in my room, so you can deal with it.

http://gph.is/GHbEe9

http://gph.is/1gPe6fL

http://gph.is/1b83ito 

P.S. They are terrible, annoying singers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1B0eIdwFvI

Okay, yeah, Alvin, Simon and Theodore are technically chipmunks but the point stands.

P.P.S. No squirrels were harmed in the making of this article.

By me, that is. Squirrels were probably harmed in the making of the .gifs used. Please don’t yell at me.

Comments
Comments powered by Disqus