It has come to my attention that some people on campus think squirrels are "cute" and "cuddly." I am here to rectify this error. Squirrels are terrifying miniature hell-beasts who have the capability to utterly trash your room over winter break, leaving you crying at midnight, forced to sleep in McCosh because your own room is utterly inhabitable by humans. Beyond a certain Prox editor’s personal experience, here are ten reasons squirrels are the absolute worst.
1. Squirrels are MEAN
They steal food meant for birds, whom I have no beef with, though karma got this unlucky guy.
They even steal from adorable stuffed versions of their own kind!
2. Squirrels are overeaters
Slow down, squirrel! Haven't you heard there’s an obesity epidemic in this country?
3. Squirrels can’t understand balloons aren’t food
What food looks like that in the real world? Nothing, you dumb squirrel.
4. They are mean to llama emperors
http://gph.is/14VEgcpKuzco isn’t great, and Yzma is one of my favorite Disney baddies, but this squirrel is the real villain ofThe Emperor’s New Groove.
5. Flying squirrels are frankly terrifying
Look at that. Look at that horror. How could you possibly advocate for that?
6. Squirrels are the reason your earbuds are always tangled
Yep. It’s a tiny squirrel in your pocket, wreaking all that havoc on your poor, innocent earbuds.
7. They are horrible ballerinas
8. They have no knowledge of predator-prey relationships
That cat is at least five times bigger than the squirrel, and the squirrel doesn’t even care.
That’s a snake, squirrel! Who are you even kidding.
9. Squirrels even terrorize our most popular young adult writers
What did poor John Green do to deserve this?!
10. And pandas!
Pandas are endangered. Squirrels aren’t. There's a clear winner here.
So, for my personal pleasure, here are some .gifs of terrible things happening to squirrels. They are kind of mean, yes, but they made me laugh while I cleaned poop off of every surface in my room, so you can deal with it.
http://gph.is/GHbEe9 http://gph.is/1gPe6fL http://gph.is/1b83ito
P.S. They are terrible, annoying singers:
Okay, yeah, Alvin, Simon and Theodore are technically chipmunks but the point stands.
P.P.S. No squirrels were harmed in the making of this article.
By me, that is. Squirrels were probably harmed in the making of the .gifs used. Please don’t yell at me.