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Just when you thought Princeton couldn’t win anymore national accolades, they went out and won three more.

The University Department of Athletics announced on Monday that it was adding three new sports to its list of Division I sports: curling, mini golf, and Madden. All three sports will have a men’s and women’s division, increasing the number of men’s sports to 21 and women’s sports to 20.

“We are excited to extend our varsity offering to sports that are starting to take off around the nation,” noted the department in a statement released on its website yesterday. “We think that this is an opportunity to offer some athletes a chance to attend the best University in the world while still playing the sport they love. It’s a great way to continue diversifying our great community.”

The University, in its revised 2018 budget, allocated an extra $3 million to the Department of Athletics to cover the initial funding for these programs. Costs include creating facilities, hiring staff, and recruiting. According to a long-term outlook published by the Athletics Department in early January, the mini golf facility — which will feature 36 holes, multilevel courses, waterfalls, and dozens of components — will replace Firestone Library. Meanwhile, it is believed by sources within the University that the contents of Firestone will be sold to cover the costs of the Madden facility — a full sized gym featuring a dozen 96-inch screens, copies of every single Madden from 1988-2018 on every gaming device, and professional Madden Ultimate Team advisers available 24/7 for athletes to consult and train with.

“Of course, these programs will be state-of-the-art, like everything else at Princeton,” said the Department of Athletics.

On Tuesday, the three teams were officially recognized by the University and the NCAA. Later that afternoon, all three teams were also awarded the 2018 national championships.

When asked about the sudden recognition for all three teams, the NCAA noted that no delay was necessary considering that Princeton was the only school with a team in the field. “We didn’t want the athletes to have to suffer over the agonizing wait for their season to conclude,” said a representative for the NCAA. “We think that by awarding the teams the national championship earlier, they can get the proper recognition they deserve.”

2018 marks the first time in recent memory that Princeton has earned the national championship in three sports in the same calendar year. The athletics department hopes that the success of these teams will inspire all other Princeton teams to follow suit and win their national championships as well.

“If we can win one in Madden we can certainly win one in football or basketball or any other sport we have!” said the Department of Atheltics in a recent promo.

As the success of these three programs continues to grow, The Daily Princetonian is excited to begin providing coverage for these sports. Updates for men’s and women’s curling, mini golf, and Madden will be provided every Tuesday afternoon and appear in Wednesday’s print edition. Stay tuned for more exciting updates!

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

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