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LaVar Ball, American media personality and CEO of Big Baller Brand, has proclaimed himself head coach of both the men’s and women’s basketball programs at Princeton University.

“I have decided to take my talents to the Tigers,” said Ball. “They all going to be big ballers now.”

A spokesperson for the Princeton Department of Athletics immediately denied Ball’s claims to the head coach position, stating, “We have not received any communications from Mr. Ball and are very happy with the personnel we currently have in place. We also find it borderline ridiculous that one man could be head coach for two teams.”

“They happy now cause they never had me. Once they see me leading the troops they ain’t going to be happy no more,” said Ball in response. “I can do both jobs. It’s called ball control. Ball control. That’s also how I’m getting all my kids to the Lakers.”

When asked about his qualifications for coaching college basketball, Ball said, “I’ve been coaching my boys all their lives. I’ve played college, I’m a personal trainer, and my last name’s Ball. How much more lined up can you be? Back in my heyday, I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one. He too small, not enough weight in the tailbone. I would just back him up and score all day.” Ball averaged 2.2 points per game when he played for Washington State.

Ball also announced that each of the Princeton players will be required to purchase a pair of Z02s, as well as a Big Baller T-shirt, as part of his new training regiment, leaving some to speculate whether the entire ordeal was a ruse to sell more shoes.

“My plan is simple,” Ball said. “I walk into the gym and then they all gonna listen to me because they are going to realize how right I am.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

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