Sexpert: Asexuality

Dear Sexpert,

I just started seeing this other student, and last week they told me that they’re asexual. I wanted to ask them more about it, but I was nervous and didn’t know what to say. I’m not, like, sex-crazed or anything, but sex is important to me in a relationship. Does that mean we can’t be together? Can you tell me more about what it means to be asexual?

Thanks,

Sexy Someone

Dear Sexy Someone,

It’s great that you are seeking out information about asexuality, as it can help you to respond to your partner in a validating and respectful way. Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of interest in sex that is often caused by a lack of sexual attraction to others. It is different from celibacy, which is a conscious choice to abstain from sex for a variety of reasons. Asexual people (or aces) may even still engage in sexual activity for other reasons, but the defining characteristic of asexuality is the absence of sexual desire.

Asexuality is an often-overlooked sexual orientation, so there is not as much known about how many people in the United States are asexual. Nevertheless, some research has suggested that around one percent of the population is asexual, amounting to approximately 300,000 Americans. The asexual community has become more vocal in recent years, and organizations like the Asexual Visibility & Education Network are working to improve people’s understanding and correct misconceptions.

Asexual people have no desire for sexual intimacy, but that does not prevent the desire to form emotionally intimate or romantic partnerships or build other relationships. Asexual people still have emotional needs and other desires that they may seek to fulfill through relationships. Many people who are asexual date and form long-term partnerships with people who are also asexual or not. Either way, the relationship simply needs to be grounded in mutual understanding.

Decisions about sexual activity, like other relationship choices, should be made after respectful and open communication between the involved individuals. For example, the asexual partner may choose to engage in sexual activity, or the sexual partner may determine that the sexual aspect of their relationship is not essential, or both partners could choose to experiment with pseudosexual behavior, and find a compromise. You mentioned that sex is important to you in a relationship; that could be a problem depending on how your partner feels and what they want to do. Engaging in a dialogue about your wants and needs, and listening to theirs, can result in a mutually satisfying compromise. You may also want to be prepared that the relationship could be challenging and may not be sustainable.

If you want more information on asexuality, you can contact or visit the LGBT Center in Frist Campus Center, which supports and empowers students of all sexual orientations, including asexual students. They can help you navigate the process of conversing with your partner, or you and your partner could also use the couple counseling services offered by Counseling & Psychological Services in McCosh Health Center. I hope this information helps, and good luck sorting it all out!

Sincerely,

The Sexpert