In Defense of: The Princeton prep

Ah, springtime! It doesn’t seem like it’s been a week since I was found shivering underneath my broken umbrella on a bench by a group of prefrosh. Oh wait, that’s right. That’s because that happened a few days ago.

Let’s start with the boat shoes. While this fashion often triggers collective hatred from one's peers (since these shoes invariably make you look like a pretentious asshole), it’s important to recognize the subliminal messages that reside beyond the leathery exterior of the shoe. For one, boat shoes send the message that you own a yacht — duh, or else the boat shoes would make no sense. Secondly, you're telling guys like me that you have bigger feet. I can’t even begin to describe the unadulterated fury that overtakes me whenever I go to the Sperry store and I’m told that they don’t have the shoes in my size. I can usually slide by with a women’s pair of sneakers as long as I pick the right color, but women's boat shoes just don't pass for men's. Until I can bring myself to wear glittery boat shoes, I’m going to have to sail on my yachts barefoot. The next time you see a person wearing Sperrys and you think to yourself, “Wow, what a self-entitled snob-star,” instead, think of approaching him and congratulating him on his big feet. Cause you know what they say about people with big feet.

They have big shoes.

Now on to the shorts, or more specifically, the phenomenon known as short shorts. While in most of society this attire is considered “toolish,” those who sport them are actually modern-day heroes. The lack of extra fabric frees thighs from clothed oppression. But short shorts still manage to keep things classy by hiding the crotch region from view. Moreover, while tight clothes have commonly been viewed as objectifying women, we finally have produced clothes that objectify men! People who dare to bare are actually a sensual combination of maverick and feminist.

But I get it. It’s still early spring, and you don’t want to start off too strong and end up looking like a jerk. Luckily, there are alternatives that can help you ease into Princeton's spring fashion. For example, a popped collar, especially on a salmon pink polo shirt, can be the perfect accent to an otherwise tame spring outfit. Be sure not to just pop one side — you'll give yourself away as an anti-prep. This tool is an easily accessible alternative if you’re not comfortable with going all in.

However, if you insist on donning your most flamboyant attire, let me be clear. People will assume you drink bottled water distilled from the tears of Bengal tigers imported straight from India and quote Shakespeare to your butler while he serves you designer cupcakes sprinkled with Donald Trump’s hair. I guarantee that all of your friends will ostracize you, leaving you with all the freedom and tranquility that always accompanies social exclusion.

On a slightly different note: Girls, keep doing what you’re doing. You all look great.