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Cheeburger Cheeburger

This Friday, Caroline Hertz and I consumed roughly 4,637 calories in one sitting. While the third world wept, we smiled giddily through our choco-hazes. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you: Cheeburger Cheeburger.

Caroline and I sat down at our '50s-style booth as The Four Seasons played softly in the background. We were greeted by cardboard cutouts of Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe. The line between creepy and charming is a fine one, but we stopped caring once we saw the menu. Did you know that you can put three different kinds of onions on your burger? Seriously, you don’t have to choose between onion rings or french fries; you can buy frings!

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If you’re feeling disdainful of these frizzled options, you can order a salad, but we wouldn’t recommend that. In fact, we recommend the most disgusting, mother-displeasing burger you can imagine — that’s what Caroline did. When Caroline said, “Could I get bacon, bleu cheese crumbles, guacamole, honey mustard, horseradish, mayo, sweet relish pickles, curry powder and wasabi powder?” I could only think, “Damn, this is a woman with whom I could spend the rest of my life in a platonic, yet affectionate, arrangement.” Caroline felt similarly as she watched me pick bits of sauteed onions out of my newly grown mustache, which I lovingly call the “the gerbil that lives on my face."

Our milkshakes were outrageously sized, served in towering steel barrels, and we wouldn’t have had it any other way. And if this weren’t enough, we ordered some sweet potato fries on the side, but we got the small because we’re very health-conscious, like Michelle Obama told us to be. 

Caroline and I recommend this place tremendously. Beware obesity and tourist groups. Other than that, prepare for glory. 

6 out of 5 paws (super-size paws)

Pros: Diner ambience, burgers the size of small children.

Cons: Heart disease, burgers the size of small children.

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