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(01/10/14 1:50am)
Continuing the tradition of teaching incoming freshmen early on how to ignore their assigned reading, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has assigned all members of the class of 2018 to read “Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the Right One at the Right Time” by Susan Patton ’77 before matriculating.
“Patton’s manifesto offers an important lesson to women in the Class of 2018, at a crucial juncture in their lives,” Eisgruber explained in announcing the second-annual ‘pre-read.’ “This is their last chance to land a man and create generations of future donors. Miss it, and they’ll become the next generation of those leaning-in, man-hating harpies who make their intellectually inferior husbands be the primary caretaker of their bratty children.”
“For men in the Class of 2018, this book provides another valuable lesson: Women want you because of your Princeton education. Right now, you’re surrounded by women who are desperate for a man. They have low self-esteem because they don’t have a ring on their finger yet. We envy you. You are at the beginning of a Princeton adventure that will challenge you, thrill you and transform you. Unanticipated possibilities await you,” he added. “I wish I’d taken advantage of that more in my Princeton days.”
The book was chosen over Eisgruber’s own autobiography, “Success — and only success,” after Patton herself pointed out that he had failed at romance while at Princeton (and freshman physics). Eisgruber didn’t meet his wife, Lori Martin, until the two attended University of Chicago Law School.
Several members of the Class of 2018 admitted through the University’s early action program have expressed confusion over where to purchase the book, which is allegedly scheduled for release by Gallery Books in spring 2014. Gallery Books is the name Simon & Schuster uses when it doesn’t want to get blamed for its publications. Specifically, Patton’s book will be published by Threshold Editions. Threshold Editions is the name Gallery Books uses when it doesn’t want to get blamed for its publications.
“I even went to the Threshold Editions website,” Devan Raim ’18 said. “All I saw were books by Glenn Beck, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Herman Cain and my other favorite authors. But is Patton’s book even real?”
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:48am)
Students who slog between campus and the Soviet-style wood structure of the temporary Dinky station in the bitter cold will have to pack a bottle if they want to drown their sorrows. The restaurant and cafe set to open in the Arts and Transit Neighborhood will operate under a strict bring-your-own-beverage alcohol policy.
The state’s rejection of the University’s application for a liquor license is the latest in a series of rejecions University officials have faced in their six-year struggle to realize their vision for the Arts and Transit Neighborhood.
“We can’t have intoxicated people stumbling all 460 feet back to the train station totally plastered,” Alcoholic Beverage Control Licensing Bureau officials stated in a press release announcing the decision. “The legal stumbling limit is however wide Washington Road is.”
University officials expressed their disappointment and stubbornly insisted on the project’s success nonetheless.
“Our aim for this project is to unite the campus and the community, to help them both flourish by complementing each other, just like the six and nine in 69,” University Vice President and Secretary Robert Durkee ’69 said. “We thought, ‘What better way to bring together students, faculty, friendly townies and ornery administrators like me than over a round of shots?’ Thanks to the state, now we’ll have to haul the vodka there ourselves.”
Determined to see the project succeed, University Community and Regional Affairs Director Kristin Appelget announced that both ATN dining establishments would be amply stocked with orange juice, cranberry juice and Sprite.
“The University will be providing unlimited vodka shots to guests at our Arts and Transit launch party,” Appelget explained. “I personally will haul 60 cases of Grey Goose all the long, long, long way to our majestic, elegant temporary station for the festivities.”
Public Safety officers will be on hand at the party to ensure that no minors obtain alcohol. Appelget encouraged those under the legal drinking age to purchase NyQuil from campus retail locations to participate in the BYOB practice.
Despite the offers of free booze and Tiger Transit shuttle rides home for the inebriated, opponents of the Arts and Transit Neighborhood declared their intention to boycott the University’s launch party.
“We are never ever ever getting back together [with the University],” Anita Garoniak, founder of local citizens’ group Save the Dinky, said. “This is exactly what the Soviets did: they gave away vodka for free to pacify the people.”
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:46am)
Following anonymous complaints by unidentified students, future celebratory bonfires will not include wood, USG president Shawon Jackson ’15 announced in an email Friday.
“Though we understand that, in the past, it was common to use wood when making a fire, we believe that the Bonfire is something which should be a source of pride to the whole community,” Jackson said.
Bonfires are traditionally held on Cannon Green to celebrate the football team’s defeats of both Harvard and Yale in the same season. There is no account of a fire being made without the use of wood, but the USG says it is confident that it can find an alternative that no one will find objectionable.
“Burning wood is a very loaded activity and image in the context of American and world history,” Class of 2014 president Luchi Mmegwa said. “Some members of the community have gone as far as calling it ‘barbaric.’”
Indeed, members of the history department confirmed that many barbarians were known to burn wood. Though wood-burning is a common occurrence in many American households, some students point out that it has been practiced in the past by such objectionable figures as Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin and, in all likelihood, the Roman emperor Caligula.
At press time, the USG had not announced what would be burned in place of wood, though that may be the least of its worries: Sources have confirmed that a small but vocal group of students also objects to the Bonfire’s extensive use of fire, which has played a role in such objectionable events as the Great Fire of London.
A smaller, more vocal group of students also objected to the use of ‘bon,’ which means ‘good’ in French, the language spoken in France, a nation which once guillotined its own citizens and held several colonies in West Africa.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:43am)
The recent gastroenteritis outbreak at Ivy Club — which forced close to a dozen members to share a health facility frequented by thousands of other students — was caused by too many people sitting, walking and hanging out on the streets just outside the club.
Ivy President Thatcher F. Foster ’14 said that an independent inquiry into the outbreak had concluded that normal people coming into close range with members had caused the outbreak. He also questioned the validity of a local health department investigation because, he said, the inspectors were also common people.
Foster is a member of the natural aristocracy, a category applied to all Ivy members.
The Centers for Disease Control is working on importing an unapproved vaccine from the United Kingdom that has seen positive results in preventing gastroenteritis in the royal family.
Foster ’14 added that The Daily Princetonian reporters stationed outside the club trying to cover the outbreak had only made the situation worse. He argued that since the reporters were also common people, their presence had upset the members’ stomachs.
“[The gastroenteritis is] not an Ivy-specific problem and I really don’t appreciate that you’ve taken this route and gone to Ivy and tried to, you know, sit outside Ivy ... I think this is completely unfair and ridiculous and that’s about it,” Foster said, notably upset.
A six-month follow up investigation involving multiple undercover reporters wearing clean room suits, however, has uncovered that the underlying problem is that Ivy members dislike people.
"I really don’t appreciate or respect that you have people snooping around my club, our club, asking people what’s going on,” Foster said in a voice mail. “I mean, that’s really low, unprofessional and just plain stupid and invasive.”
Foster declined to engage in an actual phone conversation, citing potential health risks.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:41am)
The gunshot-like sound prompting the 2013 Monoclist Revolution and eventual overthrow of University Czar Christopher Eisgruber ’83 was actually caused by the sound of a hammer hitting a sickle, an internal University investigation found.
“The reports of gunshots in Nassau Hall turned out to be false,” former University Spokesperson Martin Mbourgeois said, speaking from exile in a firehouse in Brooklyn, N.Y., where a woman was reportedly giving birth. “It is regretful that such ludicrous claims have caused the downfall of our once-great institution.”
Mbourgeois is an owner of the means of production.
According to the report, which cited Princeton Police Department records requested by The Daily Princetonian and intercepted by Minister of Truth Bob Durkee ’69, the gunshot sounds were made by a 63-year-old man hitting a hammer against a sickle in the Nassau Hall lobby.
The man, who was wearing a monocle, admitted he is not an owner of the means of production, describing himself as a wage laborer and a member of the proletariat. He said that he felt alienated from the products of his work.
The man was removed from Nassau Hall by Okhrana officers and labeled a subversive, Mbourgeois said, adding that he was transported to a local labor camp for an unspecified period of time, where he will be put to work building the Arts & Transit Neighborhood.
But two students, Nuni Kagakura and Bolly Molten, heard the alleged gunshots and were inspired by the sight of the monocle-bearing man being forcibly removed from campus.
“We’d always considered the monocle a symbol of resistance to oppression and an expression of the labor class, and so we knew this incident was our call to rise up and institute a revolutionary wave,” Kagakura and Molten said in a joint statement.
Kagakura and Molten are also the co-writers of this piece of Monoclist propaganda.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:39am)
The November leak of a famous J.D. Salinger short story kept in Firestone Library was the work of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, according to records obtained by The Daily Princetonian.
When asked his reason for the leak, he denounced Salinger as “a phony.”
The story, “The Ocean Full of Big Brass Balls,” which had a ‘Top Secret’ classification, appeared on the torrenters’ site whadafuq.cd. Using advanced encryption technology, Snowden uploaded a torrent file of the story to the site under the username sleazyleaker, according to records provided by a user of the site.
This anonymous source is in no way an illegal torrenter or a member of The Daily Princetonian.
“Salinger was such a phony! He’s hidden so much of his work from us. He claims to have whole novels that he never published. The world deserves to know what he’s hiding,” Snowden said in a statement released from his hideout in Russia. “I mean, WHERE DO THE DUCKS GO?”
The leak also brings to light the NSA’s extensive collection of 1950s literature suspected of Communist leanings.
“What people deserve to know is that the NSA actually formed in the 1950s to collect work by writers suspected of Communist sympathies. Nobody cared ‘cause they figured novelists deserve to be surveilled anyway — they’re always taking notes on us,” Snowden said.
“Salinger was dating Eugene O’Neill’s daughter until she dumped him for Charlie Chaplin, and Charlie Chaplin was a Communist. So that proves … something,” he added.
Snowden’s leak has been openly criticized by Yoko Ono, who noted that “The Catcher in the Rye” inspired Mark David Chapman to murder singer-songwriter John Lennon in 1980, whom Chapman described as one of the “phonies” despised by the novel’s hero Holden Caulfield.
Ono urged the Salinger estate to keep all of Salinger’s unpublished manuscripts hidden in their family home.
“Keep those dangerous books locked up where they belong,” Ono said. “Can’t a body catch a body coming through the rye?”
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:37am)
Due to their stellar record of dropping boxes, Princeton’s student-run Moving and Storage Agency is nearing a major acquisition deal with San Francisco-based file storage service Dropbox, sources intimately familiar with the negotiations confirmedThursday.But one potential roadblock remains, according to a Dropbox source who was granted anonymity to speak freely about the negotiations. Dropbox is apparently “very concerned” about the recent decline in the number of lost item claims filed by Moving and Storage Agency customers.
(01/10/14 1:36am)
All 1,346 members of the Class of 2016 signed into Terrace F. Club in the first round of eating club sign-ins, Terrace president Chris St. John ’15 confirmed.
“This was not a computer glitch or some shit,” St. John said. “Everyone wanted to fucking join. Shit.”
When asked whether admission to his club had been capped, or whether the club would utilize a waitlist, St. John blew a cloud of smoke into a reporter’s face.**
It was the club’s unique ethos, encapsulated in its slogan “FOOD=LOVE,” that attracted the entire sophomore class, multiple sophomores independently confirmed.
“At T.I., food equals hot dogs, and at Ivy it equals gastroenteritis, so …” Jack Rader ’16, a hockey player who just signed into Terrace, said.
Annie Johnson ’16, a member of the Pi Beta Phi sorority who said she had previously planned to join her sisters in Ivy Club, said she was “definitely in it for the live music.”
“I just felt like I was more alternative than most of Princeton, you know?” Johnson said. “I wanted a place where I could, like, really belong.”
Johnson said she settled on Terrace during Lawnparties, when she observed that, while the rest of campus wore preppy clothing on purpose, Terrace members wore it “ironically.”
“Terrans are just more real than everyone else, you know?” Johnson said. “Reading Thought Catalog and doing an African American studies certificate has really opened my eyes to the ways the eating club system is problematic. How could I think about a club as problematic as Ivy? How could I bicker?”
** St. John asked The Daily Princetonian to clarify that it was cold outside, and the smoke he blew in a reporter’s face was simply the kind of smoke that appears when you breathe outside in cold weather.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:35am)
Drunk Princeton students were outraged early Friday morning when, after stumbling over to Hoagie Haven, they found the entrance blocked by New Jersey Governor and ex-officio University trustee Chris Christie.
Witnesses who begged Christie to move aside from the entrance for 10 minutes said that during that time, he ate three full Dirty Sanchezes, two Body Bags and one Phat Lady, and was yelling at the counter ordering more.
“It’s almost like he was trying to eat all the hoagies they had,” Stan Sokolich ’16 said.
Emails between Christie’s top aides and Hoagie Haven’s owners obtained by The Daily Princetonian indicated that this was, in fact, exactly what Christie was trying to do. The plan to deprive Princeton students of their drunchies was conceived by Christie’s staff to retaliate against the Princeton community for its overwhelming support of unsuccessful democratic challenger Barbara Buono in the Nov. 4, 2013 gubernatorial election.
“Time for some hunger problems in Princeton,” Christie’s deputy chief-of-staff Bridget Anne Kelly wrote in an email message to Hoagie Haven co-owner Mosta Caltabes, forwarding a ‘Prince’ article reporting that Buono outraised Christie 4:1 among University employees.
When Maltabes protested, saying he “felt bad for the students,” Kelly responded, “They’re students of Buono donors.”
Confronted by ‘Prince’ reporters on the scene, Christie denied all involvement in the scandal, blaming the incident on his staff as he wolfed down his fourth Sanchez.
“I am outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only have I eaten seven full Hoagie Haven sandwiches tonight, but that my hoagie binge was complicit in my staff’s completely inappropriate and unsanctioned scheme that was devised without my knowledge,” a reporter thinks Christie said, though his mouth was full and he was hard to understand.
“Now what are you all still doing here? Get the hell outta my state! You!” Christie said, pointing at Sokolich, the sophomore. “Where are you from? New York? California? Serbia? Carpetbaggers! All of you! Why are you still here? Get the hell outta Jersey! You’re not #JerseyStrong. Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I’m the fucking Governor.”
Dejected, the drunk students began to migrate en masse toward the Wa.
“Yeah, that’s right, keep walking, keep walking,” Christie screamed after them while chewing on a Mexicano.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:34am)
Director of Career Services Beverly Hamilton-Chandler will seek advice from Executive Director of Career Services Pulin Sanghvi as she prepares to find the right “path.”
“My time at Princeton has been extraordinary, and I’m thrilled Pulin has agreed to help me pursue my passion in the Arts, Nonprofits and the Public Sector,” Hamilton-Chandler may have said if she had ever agreed to an interview with The Daily Princetonian.
Career Services’ lone counselor dedicated exclusively to the Arts, Nonprofits and the Public Sector is perfectly suited to accommodate Hamilton-Chandler’s interest in that obscure field, Sanghvi said.
“There seem to be more and more Princeton students interested in Arts, Nonprofit and the Public Sector, which is why I’ve shifted the focus of Career Services away from finding students a job and toward finding them a ‘path,’ ” Sanghvi said.
“If Beverly had wanted a job, we would’ve had no choice but to point her to the array of TigerTracks postings, information sessions, personal emails, networking sessions, eating clubs, and Nassau Inn cocktail hours where our students hear about finding gainful employment in finance and consulting,” Sanghvi added.
“Finding students a path is easier. We just point her to Abbey,” he said, referring to Abigail Racelis, the Career Services liaison to the arts, nonprofits and public sector.
Sanghvi added that he is working with Outdoor Action director Rick Curtis '76 to develop resources for students seeking paths through the woods.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:33am)
The Daily Princetonian’s website, www.dailyprincetonian.com, has remained online without crashing for 74 straight hours, setting a six-month record and prompting some ‘Prince’ editors to speculate that the so-called ‘Curse of Patton’ has finally been broken.
“The most recent no-crash streak is indicative of our commitment to becoming a true 24/7 news organization,” Editor-in-Chief Luc Cohen ’14 said, while lighting candles in a shrine in the newsroom with a voodoo representation of Susan Patton ’77 in the center.
On March 29, when Patton’s viral Letter to the Editor was published, the ‘Prince’ website crashed and disappeared from the Internet for nine days. Cohen said at the time that the notion that Patton’s letter contributed to the crash was a “possibility” but that editors had “not definitively identified” the cause of the crash.
According to a ‘Prince’ Managing Editor who asked to be identified solely by her title, Cohen requires ‘Prince’ editors to make weekly sacrifices of valuable items to the shrine in order to keep the website up and running. Past sacrifices reportedly include full Fresca bottles, a rare hard copy of a ‘Prince’ issue from 1895, journalistic integrity and the Prox.
*Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:29am)
The University will institute a ban on freshman grade deflation and implement a new grading system beginning fall 2014, it announced yesterday. The announcement comes three months after University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 charged a faculty committee with reevaluating the policy, which limits the percentage of As given in each department to 35 percent.
Under the new system, all students will take their classes pass/D/fail their freshman year. The current letter system will also be dropped. Instead, students will receive Greek letter grades beginning sophomore year, with the top 35 percent of grades given in each department to be Pi Beta Phi. The next 35 percent will be awarded Kappa Alpha Theta and the bottom 30 percent receives the failing grade of Kappa Kappa Gamma.
“The consensus was that students were creating self-selected social groups based on problem set and paper grades,” Eisgruber read off a piece of paper passed to him by presidential speechwriter Eric Quinones. “Princeton prides itself on its intellectual diversity, and that includes the rich academic discourse between A-students and C-students. But how can they talk if they just sort themselves immediately freshman year?”
“When I got my first — and only — C in freshman year physics, I was shunned for light years,” Eisgruber said. “I eventually redeemed myself, joining Dial Lodge, but that C plagued me all the way till sophomore year. It was the reason I got hosed from Ivy — they thought I wasn’t smart enough to join the natural aristocracy.”
Not a single Dial Lodge alumnus confirmed Eisgruber’s membership in the club. Those interviewed claimed they had no idea who he was.
Eisgruber noted the change to the Greek grading system will provide a “fresh start” and free students from the stigma of grades that are not As.
“I’m definitely in favor of the ban,” Elle Woods ’17 said. “I tried to join a ECO 101 study group this semester, but they wouldn’t let me study with them because I only got a 13/15 on my last problem set. I even brought muffins in a pretty basket, but they just said I would slow them down.” She said the rest of the group had gotten 14/15 on the problem set.
The University also plans to replace digital and paper transcripts. Grades will now be given in the form of gold pins or embroidered on Vineyard Vines canvas totes, which students may attach to graduate school or job applications.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/10/14 1:21am)
The Committee on Discipline has been running an undercover sting operation since the beginning of the 2013-2014 academic year to identify cheaters, Committee on Discipline Chair Kathleen Deignan announced Wednesday.
Undergraduates unaffiliated with the Committee on Discipline were asked to go undercover to sniff out cheaters. If an informant identifies a convicted cheater, he or she will receive an enviable reward: Not having to write a senior thesis.
The impetus for the sting operation came from the Great Harvard Cheat of 2012, Deignan said. Administrators said they hope the University’s peer institutions will institute similar operations, just as they did when former Dean of College Nancy Malkiel instituted the wildly popular grade deflation policy in 2004.
“Keeping students suspicious of each other will help us better uphold the integrity of our intellectual community,” she said. “To any students thinking of cheating, take note — the eyes of Woodrow Wilson and the Gatsby billboard are upon you.”
Nine cases of clandestine cheating have been revealed since September, Deignan confirmed. The cases include one student who told his roommate, secretly an undercover informant, about using Google Translate on a Spanish assignment.
Another student who told her friend, also an informant, about the foot-tapping code she planned to use during her multiple-choice abnormal psychology exam.
Ewe Council Footstool Elan P. Koogelmaass denounced the Committee’s operation, arguing that the Committee on Discipline has no measures in place to ensure that its undercover informants are telling the truth in their reports.
“It’ll turn into a witch hunt,” Koogelmaass said. “Move over, McCarthy. Competition is already brutal here because of grade deflation. Now these informants could start abusing their power to slander people who are the best students in their classes.”
“If it comes down to ‘he said, she said,’ whom will the committee believe — their own handpicked spy or an alleged cheater?” he added.
Koogelmaass is working on an amendment to the USG Constitution that would give the Senate jurisdiction over the Committee on Discipline. Koogelmaass hopes to give students the power to request the proceedings of Committee on Discipline meetings through its newly-formed, successful Transparency Committee.
“In my USG, students would be able to get their hands on these records, and know who the informants are. The USG wants to be transparent to the average citizen. We want to expose this orgy of secrecy and spying. Don’t you want to be able to see right through us?” Koogelmaass explained.
* Just in case you’re a reporter forThe Daily Callerlooking to dig up dirt, please note that this article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Use discretion before citing.
(01/09/14 10:41pm)
After the engagement of former volleyball star Jennifer Palmquist and former basketball star Mack Darrow, the Daily Princetonian has learned that Princeton’s Department of Athletics has already made offers to any potential children the couple may have.
(01/09/14 6:32pm)
Bleary-eyed and pale from years underground, the wrestling team finally surfaced on the ground floor of Jadwin Gymnasium earlier this month after a decades-long absence.
(01/09/14 5:32pm)
Saying he wanted more “creative control” over his football career, junior offensive frontman and Ivy League Offensive Player of the Year Quinn Epperly announced Thursday that he would be leaving Princeton’s football program to form his own independent offense.
(01/09/14 5:00pm)
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s campus was locked down recently as campus police reported they had received a bomb threat. After several hours of police searches and high tensions on campus, it was revealed that sophomore guard Chiyani Sambers of the Harvard men’s basketball team had made the threat, purportedly in hopes that the Crimson’s upcoming game against Princeton would be canceled.
(01/09/14 4:05pm)
In the spirit of Inside Lacrosse's annual list, the 'Prince' came up with its own list of the best athlete names at Princeton.
(01/09/14 11:01am)
A series of controversialtext messages and emailsbetween top staff members of Gov. Chris Christie’s office discussing the closing of two lanes on the George Washington Bridge, a major artery for commuters in Fort Lee, N.J., surfaced last week, providing support for the accusation that Christie's office caused the four-day gridlock as retribution against the town’s mayor.
(01/07/14 9:22pm)
The use of mass transit provided by the University between Princeton and Princeton Junction went up by over 15 percentin September and October compared to last year, according to data provided by University Spokesperson Martin Mbugua.However, recent New Jersey Transit data revealed that Dinky train ridership between Princeton and Princeton Junction went down by 12.3 percent, according to NJ Transit Senior Public Information Officer William Smith.