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Standard security measures, like Fritz-Randolph gate, failed to keep out town residents this year. Courtesy of the Office of Communications.

The University is heading into the third week of its shutdown, caused by a debate over campus border security.

Last month, University president Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced his plans to put $5 billion, just under 20 percent of the University’s endowment, into campus border security.

“We need a wall, either steel or concrete, to protect this learning institution from the townspeople of Princeton,” Eisgruber said at the most recent Council of the Princeton University Community (CPUC) meeting.

“When the town sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us,” Eisgruber added.

“They’re bringing bike thieves. They’re bringing Peeping Toms. They’re bringing public defecators. They’re perverts. And some, I assume, are good people,” he said.

Many on campus, however, have feared that a wall would be harmful to “town and gown” relations.

“Yes, there have been a few bad apples,” Anscombe Society president Celine “Cel” Abbot ’19 said. “But open relationships are often extremely beneficial.”

In the meantime, vast portions of campus are severely understaffed due to furloughs.

Many PSAFE officers are not on the job this week.

Since the start of the University shutdown, bike thievery has seen a 700 percent increase, and 73 noise complaints have gone unanswered.

Due to a lack of Campus Dining staff showing up to work, the University has been forced to close almost all dining halls.

Only Forbes College’s dining hall remains open.

“Before this week, I had never been to Forbes on a weekday, so it’s definitely a change,” said Matey Romano ’22. “It’s not all bad though. My FitBit says I walked 40 miles yesterday!”

The Office of Admission is also severely understaffed.

With the Regular Decision deadline having just passed, it is a bad time to be short on admissions officers. Acting Dean of Admission Jill Dolan said she is overwhelmed with applications.

“I’m the only one showing up to work right now, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to read all of these applications by myself,” she said. “Unless the shutdown ends in the next couple of weeks, the University will not be accepting any students in the regular decision cycle.”

However, a compromise may be in sight.

University Provost Deborah Prentice has proposed a cheaper campus security plan.

Prentice’s $1.3 billion plan will allow partial wall and fencing in “particularly troubled areas” of campus.

Specifically, her plan includes barbed wire fences surrounding the skate park formerly known as the Fountain of Freedom and an electric fence along the pervert-infested towpath.

“You don’t see any surgical-masked fiends out in front of Nassau Hall, but I agree that some areas may need increased border security. Hopefully we can figure this out and get University employees working again,” Prentice said.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet!

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