The Princeton football team has declared themselves 2017 National Champions. Despite finishing with a 5-5 record and not playing in the Football Bowl Subdivision, college football’s highest tier, the team believes it has a legitimate claim to the title. “Alabama may have technically won the College Football playoff,” said a representative from the Princeton athletic department in a memo released Tuesday. “But Princeton beat Lafayette, who beat Holy Cross, who beat New Hampshire, who beat Georgia Southern, who beat South Alabama, who beat Troy, who beat LSU, who beat Auburn, who beat Alabama. We think that this clearly establishes Princeton as the best team.”

The athletic department also argued that Princeton’s academic record should have been counted in its favor. “The NCAA is also an academic institution,” argued the same memo. “And I don’t see Alabama in the top 10 of the U.S. News & World Report college rankings.”

“I think the Playoff Selection Committee discriminated against us because we don’t play in a top conference,” said Head Coach Bob Surace. “If they had looked closely at what we accomplished this season, they would’ve definitely given us a spot.”

Princeton may have been motivated by the players at UCF, who last week declared themselves national champions as well and were even recognized by Florida Governor Rick Scott as official champions in the state of Florida. Incoming New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy has not yet announced whether he will do the same for Princeton in New Jersey.

The Princeton Department of Athletics plans to hold a parade to celebrate the football team's accomplishment, and it will also raise a championship banner next season. Rumors are swirling that the program is also campaigning to declare senior quarterback Chad Kanoff, who broke Princeton’s all-time passing yards record this season, the Heisman Memorial Trophy winner. “Baker Mayfield is an excellent player,” said Surace, “but Kanoff had one of the greatest seasons of all time.”

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

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