U. introduces strict new political correctness guidelines*

The University is instituting a campaign to purge itself of all documents, statements and expressions that do not meet University standards of political correctness.

P.C. O’Brien, who will be heading the newly formed PC Truth Department, explained that the Truth Department will be looking through all student correspondence as well as student academic work to censor politically incorrect content. Students found in violation will be sent to live in Forbes College.

“Every breath you take, every move you make, we’ll be watching you,” O’Brien said, “and anyone who disagrees with our methods can shut their fucking piehole.”

O’Brien added that the University has compiled a list of clubs on campus that will be required to change their names, and the University will closely monitor all clubs’ correspondence. Any club that does not conform to these regulations will not be allowed to form, he said.

He noted that examples of groups that need to change their names include the Princeton Triangle Club and the Colonial Club.

“The triangle representing the Triangle Club points upward, which is a representation of a phallus,” he said. “In order to avoid disgusting statements about male supremacy, the Triangle Club should become the Rhombus Club or the Parallelogram Club.”

The Colonial Club, he said, is reprehensible because its name recalls nations who subjugated and oppressed their colonies for their own benefit.

O’Brien added that the University will systematically go through all its documents, such as library records and past students’ senior theses, and alter them so that no one reading will be offended. Instead of naming University buildings after people, the University will name its buildings A, B, C, … , Z, AA, BB, CC, etc.

Students will also not be allowed to listen to offensive music, which includes all rap music and several other groups. He noted that the Beatles are banned because their name contains the word “beat” which could promote spousal abuse, but recommended other music that is not subversive.

“I encourage students to listen to the great song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon,’ for example,” O’Brien said. “It’s all about a friendly dragon who lives by the sea with his best friend.”

Reaction to the new regulations has not been uniformly positive. University donors said they will withdraw their donations now that their names will no longer appear on the buildings, and Carl Icahn ’57 said he will try to take over the University in a corporate raid. Emmanuel Goldman ’16, a University student, said that the PC rules represent a violation of freedom of speech.

“The intentions are certainly good and noble, because offensive epithets need to be stamped out,” he said, “but this is the wrong way to go about doing it.”