The bubonic plague, swine flu, ebola, meng — it never ends. There is always some scourge to hide from, to escape. And now, the most horrific condition is pervading society: introversion.
There are only so many hours a person can spend alone, primarily on the Internet, namely on Tumblr, Reddit, YouTube or Netflix. People are meant to be social creatures, and that entails interacting with other humans, not a computer screen, for hours on end.
Introverts say they need time away from other people to “recharge” and “decompress,” but that’s pretext for their withdrawal from society. At the core of this lies a deep-seated hatred for people. (They tolerate animals, but even that is questionable.) This perpetuates a negative feedback loop; the more hate for others, the more hate for oneself, which in turn only amplifies the hate for others, in an ostensibly inescapable cycle. Thus, it is only natural that social interaction would serve no use to them.
What kind of people are they? How can they even function in society?
But don’t be fooled: “introvert” is merely a politically correct term used by liberals to conceal and sugarcoat anti-social, misanthropic behavior. Let’s call it how it is and stop being so sensitive. The language police are impeding discourse and precluding any chance to seek help and stop the spread of introversion, before it gets any graver.
How do we stop introversion? First, look for warning signs: receiving “INTJ” on the Myers-Briggs personality test, getting sorted into “Ravenclaw” over “Gryffindor,” evading Goldman Sachs networking events, never or barely speaking up in precept, choosing to Netflix over going to the Street, or enjoying the humanities. Second, invite an introvert to a party – and make sure they at least make an appearance. Third, act. Counter their number one approach to social situations – escape. Once they slip away from a group of happily-chattering individuals, ensnare them; this way, you can help contain the problem. And finally, make them into an extrovert. Change them, before it’s too late.
Introverts may very well rule the world one day with their secret plan, and world domination of this nature is not a feasible option for society. Their quiet influence and power is no more than contagion which must be eradicated. They’re constantly watching, listening, scheming — it’s only time for them to rise to the top, silently and stealthily.
However, their rise can be quelled by extroverts. Introverts may cry wolf, citing oppression. But this is simply a much-needed intervention, altruistically saving them from their own company so that they too can engage in small talk and go into finance or public policy.
Sarah Sakha is a sophomore from Scottsdale, Ariz. She can be reached at ssakha@princeton.edu.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*
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