Youcant Pokeme ’18, captain of the University club fencing team and Big Shot ’18, captain of the University rifle shooting team, were severely injured in a duel that occurred on Wednesday.
The duel occurred as a result of the new club sports fund allocation, according to Director of Club Sports Cind Erella. The fund allocation system now requires all captains to perform ramp walks in swimsuits for Erella and her minions on the Club Sports Executive Council. Every vote is translated to one cent and the person with the maximum votes is given a bonus of $2.
Erella was unavailable for comment as it was past midnight.
One of her minions, who is anonymous for safety reasons, said that the ramp walk was instated this year as the Club Sports budget was increased from $5 for 37 teams to $7.
“We needed to allocated the money to the most deserving team,” minion explained, “and which team is more deserving of a sports award than the one with the best bodies?”
Pokeme said that he had been preparing for the walk for months since his club needed the money to buy bandaids to stop the bleeding from the holes they poked in each other.
Shot said that he worked for the allocation for two months with a diet of only two late meal burritos a day.
“Nobody understands my great sacrifices,” Shot said. “People need to learn to take our water pistols seriously, especially since bullets are not allowed due to the no-weapons policy.”
Minion said that Pokeme and Shot both tied for first place, as they had only gained the freshman fifteen pounds, while other captains had gained freshman fifty.
“Since neither of them wanted to split the $2 reward,” Minion said, “they decided to duel for the voting ladies’ affection instead.”
The duel lasted for seven minutes, as Shot shot Pokeme in the forehead and Pokeme poked Shot’s eye out. Dean Electrick Shocked ’19 fainted at the sight of the bloodied captains when they were sent to her for disciplinary action. The Club Sports fund allocation is currently being used for her treatment.
Details of the entire fight are available on Yik Yak from a person, allegedly Shocked, who was deeply traumatized by the duel.
Shot’s poked eye will soon be replaced by a glass eye which will affect his aim, an angry Facebook post from him published late Thursday afternoon said.
“Oh, it’s going to be an eye for an eye all right,” Shot wrote in the post, “Youcant better watch out.”
Pokeme said that he would rather not see any harm befall himself, and has been spotted in laboratory protective eye wear since Thursday.
Shocked should make a full physical recovery, according to doctors at McCrush Health Center. Full mental health recovery, however, is not expected.
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