Nothing further exemplifies the University’s decline in prestige than the recent Class Day speakers, such as Al Gore, Brooke Shields ’87 and Jon Stewart. These people are total losers. They are all talk and no action. For too long, Princeton’s Class Day has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems. When Princeton invites Class Day speakers, they do not invite the best. They do not invite people like you. They invite people who have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us.
The Board calls upon the senior class government to make Princeton great again by inviting successful businessman and presidential frontrunner Donald Trump to be the 2016 Class Day speaker. The Board believes that Trump will do a far better job than any of the low-energy alternatives.
Trump’s career has been one of unparalleled achievement. With his paltry inheritance and a small loan of $1 million from his father, he built one of the world’s best brands and tallest towers. On top of his significant financial success, Trump over time developed a reputation as one of the world’s most nuanced and articulate thinkers. His 1987 treatise, “The Art of the Deal,” is one of the cornerstones of modern game theory and microeconomics.
Further, Trump exemplifies the University’s motto of “Princeton in the Nation’s Service and in the Service of all Nations.” He has taken a break from his highly profitable business ventures to run for President and he has pledged to build the greatest wall you’ve ever seen. Notably, this wall will be paid for by Mexico. Like Princeton undergraduates, he understands the value of free goods and services.
In an age of stifling political correctness, only Trump has demonstrated the willingness to stand by his principles and say what is true. The Board believes that the University faculty, and any future academics in the Class of 2016, would have much to learn from Trump’s method of political analysis and hopes that they will start telling the truth about President Barack Obama’s birthplace, Syrian orphans and other policy challenges of global importance.
Some may claim that Trump’s characterizations of women make him offensive to female students, but this is not true. Princeton women love Donald Trump. In fact, given recent controversies on campus, the Board believes that Trump is the only potential speaker who could unite Princeton’s student body. This is because Trump is very rich as a result of his remarkable negotiating skills. Trump has been doing deals for a long time. He has been making wonderful deals. That is what he does.
A class day speech by Trump would be huge for the University. We urge the senior class government to invite him to speak at Class Day.
The Editorial Board is an independent body and decides its opinions separately from the regular staff and editors of The Daily Princetonian. The Board answers only to its Chair, the Opinion Editor and the Editor-in-Chief.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*