Dear Sexpert,
My partner has a fantasy that I dress up as a clown, but I am terrified of clowns — what do I do?
— Scared of Clowns
Dear Scared,
Role play can be a fun way to liven up a couple’s sex life, but only if both partners are comfortable with the scenario. It’s rare for partners’ fantasies and preferences to align perfectly. If you sat down and wrote a list of things you like, and your partner did the same, chances are the lists would have some things in common and some things that differ. The things you both want to do — where the lists overlap — are the things that will bring you both the most enjoyment.
Feeling safe, secure and comfortable is a priority in a sexual relationship. A key aspect of maintaining a sense of security with your partner is to ensure an open line of communication. You can’t read your partner’s mind, and your partner can’t read yours. The only way to know for sure what you are both thinking and feeling is to talk about it. You and your partner both must feel you are able to discuss what you are comfortable and uncomfortable doing and free to say you are not interested in participating in certain activities. You need to determine what is right for you, and your partner needs to determine what is right for them.
While it may be uncomfortable at first, discuss your fears with your partner. A good technique for having a difficult conversation like this is to “sandwich” the difficult part of it between two positives. For example, you could start by telling your partner how much you like having sex and particular things they do that you really enjoy. Then, thank your partner for trusting you enough to express this fantasy and tell them what aspects of it scare you. You could follow this with suggesting another role play scenario that you’d both be interested in trying or asking if there is some other fantasy your partner has that you can consider, letting your partner know you are still interested. Once you and your partner have begun communicating this way, you’ll probably find your relationship deepening and your sex life improving.
For additional resources on how best to broach the subject with your partner, visit: “YNM (Yes, No, Maybe) Chart” from http://theconsensualproject.com or “Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist” at www.scarleteen.com.
Hope you find a way to make your shared fantasies come true!
— The Sexpert
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