Immigrant parents

Walking through Frist during midterms, I could not help overhearing multiple students on the phone with their parents. Whether it was discussing fears of finishing an essay on time or the pressure of studying for an exam the next day, they saw their parents as an outlet for their stress.

This may be of little surprise, given how overwhelming Princeton can be. From schoolwork, clubs and organizations, to jobs and internships, there are a lot of things happening in the lives of Princeton students. To help get through the stress, many students naturally turn to their parents, who have acted as one of the main sources of consolation throughout their lives.

Witnessing these conversations was interesting because in times of high stress I have always tended to turn away from my parents, especially my mother. It’s not because I don’t love my mother or have a good relationship with her. Rather, I have difficulty communicating with her due to language and cultural barriers. My mom is a Korean immigrant, who has always had trouble speaking English. I, on the other hand, grew up going to schools focused on English, losing my Korean tongue in the process.

At the time, I didn’t think this would lead to any serious repercussions. For day-to-day issues, I knew enough Korean and she knew enough English for us to communicate with each other. However, these language barriers have presented larger problems as our lives have deviated, and my life has become more complicated in college. Every time I try to explain to my mother what’s happening on campus or in my life via a phone or FaceTime call, I find myself getting frustrated because I wouldn’t know the appropriate word in Korean for what I wanted to say. Conversations would usually be cut off with an, “Ugh, never mind,” leaving whatever was wanted or needed to be said unsaid.

In the past, when we shared the same people, town and environment, it was easier to transcend these difficulties. However, the American college experience is so different from her own. For example, here at Princeton, as well as other American institutions, students comfortably and openly use psychological services to deal with the school’s intense academic rigor. Yet, my mother doesn’t know this. She grew up in a culture where mental health problems were often dismissed. Mental health problems were seen as a weakness and people suffering from them were expected to just buck up. Because of this stigmatization, if I needed to use these services, she’d be quick to disapprove, adding further stress.

Communicating with immigrant parents can be a difficult task for students. However, to help mitigate these issues, students can try to better communicate these kinds of differences to their parents in a more understandable manner. For instance, at Princeton, we have a vast network of people both among our peers and professors and some are likely to have had very similar experiences to our own. We should take advantage of this network, seeing if we can learn from others.

Additionally, students should perhaps reconsider how exactly they want their parents to respond. Do they really need their parents’ enthusiastic approval, or is their understanding enough? Taking the time to more deeply consider what we want and need out of our parents might help us to better respond to their reactions.

Finally, students should also remember that, sometimes, parents don’t need to know about everything. Students may often feel pressured to update their parents about every little aspect of their lives, making conversations more frustrating than they need to be. However, if we focus only on what will really benefit either our parents or ourselves, we can avoid the unnecessary stress that comes with discussing unimportant topics. Granted, coming to this realization may be difficult for some, especially if a relationship has been built on this kind of detailed sharing. However, if students seriously consider what they need or want to tell their parents, rather than feel a sense of urgency to tell their parents everything, they might start being able to strike an acceptable balance with what they should tell their parents.