Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

My partner read "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E.L. James recently, and has become fascinated by BDSM. In light of this upcoming movie adaptation premiere, my partner has expressed interest in incorporating BDSM into our relationship. Although intrigued myself, I’m not really familiar with it, nor am I am sure I am ready to try it. How should I handle this?

— Curious

Dear Curious,

You’re not the only one who has been curious about this subject — many more people have wondered about it since "Fifty Shades of Grey" became a bestseller. "Fifty Shades" aside, let’s define BDSM. BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM is a sexual preference, much like favoring missionary position or enjoying anal sex, that revolves around a consensual power exchange between two or more people, where at least one partner (the “submissive”) agrees to submit to another person (the “dominant”). Generally speaking, BDSM activities are as diverse as the people who engage in them and can include using restraints and inflicting or receiving pain.

Communication is the foundation for establishing trust and emotional safety in any relationship and those who engage in BDSM find it especially important. Combining sexual activity and pain or power dynamics, while respecting each other’s boundaries, requires effective and constant communication. Exploring power dynamics consensually is very, very different from abusing power to manipulate and control another person.

Most couples discuss likes and dislikes before any BDSM act, so nothing happens without the uncoerced consent of the other. Typically, the submissive establishes the dynamics of the act by setting the hard limits in advance — often using “safe words” to indicate boundaries during the activity. When the "safe word" is said, all BDSM activities should come to a pause. With these precautions, the dominant can then have control over the submissive, but be conscious of safety without "killing the mood," so to speak.

Both you and your partner are on the right track with open communication about your desires and preferences. If it turns out that BDSM isn’t for you, be honest with your partner about it. You have the right to have your preferences respected, even when they do not perfectly align with your partner’s. It may be that your partner is looking to spice up your sex life, and there are other activities you would consider trying. Open and honest communication is the path to safe and mutually satisfying sex.