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If we work together, we can make the coming weeks as socially painless as possible. Godspeed, Princetonians one and all.

1. The Flight of the Dance Floor Creeper

What you think a college dance floor is like: via Tumblr

What’s closer to reality: via Tumblr

The Dance Floor Creeper is an integral piece of the vaunted “hookup culture” you’re about to experience in vivid, gory detail. It ain’t pretty. The Dance Floor Creeper is usually a sophomore or junior male who waited impatiently his entire underclassman career for this very moment, when the new crop of incoming fresh meat flood the dance floors of such clubs as Tower, Colonial and Cloister, preprogrammed to be impressed by his newfound self-assurance. Dance Floor Creepers usually hunt alone or in three-man wolfpacks. They will circle the floor and make brief, passing eye contact before disappearing and reappearing beside or behind you. Sometimes, but not every time, they will ask you to dance before getting all up in your space. Dance Floor Creepers are notoriously bad dancers and bad kissers. They should be avoided because, honestly, you’re better than that -- go to the taproom and have a cute guy come up to you at the bar instead.

2. “Can I sit here?”

via Tumblr

Few things in life are more awkward than a freshman inserting him or herself where he or she doesn’t belong. Do not try to sit with a group of sophomores in the dining hall. Do not enter a study room in which you don’t know anyone, regardless of how quiet it seems. Do not try to sit at occupied Frist booths, do not walk into room parties to which you have not been invited. Ask, “What year are you in?” and not, “Are you a freshman, too?” Whenever you blunder, run and hope that the others will have forgotten your face by the time you’ve become a fully integrated Princetonian.

3. The Street-side Self-promoter

via Tumblr

Yes, we know you’re excited for your classes. We know that you’ve worked hard to get here, we know that you’re smart and we know you have a bajillion accomplishments and aspirations. But please, please, please don’t give us a rundown of your resume when we see you on a night out. No matter what Tina Fey’s new movie tells you, there are no admissions officers prowling the Street. You don’t have to impress people anymore. Nobody goes to the Street to be impressed by your high school academic prowess and extracurricular feats. And no, “I got a 2400 on my SATs. What about you?” is not an acceptable conversation starter.

4. The Pouncer

via Gifsoup

You may be excited to kick off the experimenting-in-college phase as soon as possible, but there’s a line between flirting and labeling yourself as “that sexually overeager frosh.” Whether you’re a guy or a girl interested in guys or girls, unreciprocated pouncing is never appreciated, especially when the other person is a non-frosh who already has many friends with whom he/she can ridicule you. A surefire method of avoiding this: When your object of desire fails to move to the music, do a sassy hair-flip while saying, “Sassy hair-flip” out loud -- in case they miss it -- and walk away as the bigger person. In short, don’t become a Dance Floor Creeper (see number 1) before you’ve even started enrolling in classes.

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