STREET: Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

My partner and I have grown bored with our make-out sessions over the last six months, but vaginal sex is not an option and neither of us is comfortable with anal sex. We know that we should use protection during oral sex, and we just don’t want to have to worry too much about it. I would really appreciate some options that enable us to have the most fun without having to worry too much about STIs.

— EverythingButSex

Dear EverythingButSex,

Kudos to you for thinking about keeping each other healthy and for knowing that you can enjoy yourselves without penetration. You should know that whenever bodies are in intimate contact, there is risk involved. Nonpenetrative intimate activity — like kissing, mutual masturbation, stroking or rubbing — might prevent pregnancy, but there are still some infections that can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact. This includes herpes and genital warts (HPV), although the risk is lower than with penetration. Just in case you do decide you want to try oral sex, condoms and dental dams can be found in a variety of flavors. That said, there are a few alternatives to vaginal, oral and anal sex that may offer a bit more stimulation than kissing or fondling.

Achieving sexual pleasure without penetration is sometimes called “outercourse.” Outercourse includes heavy petting, frottage and mutual masturbation. Heavy petting can include stimulation of the vulva, clitoris, penis, scrotum and rectum with gentle pressure and friction. Erotic massages are a great place to start. In fact, almost any part of the body can be stimulated by varying amounts of pressure and light touch. Frottage is the act of rubbing any part of the body against a partner (“dry humping” in common parlance). Lap dances are a form of frottage. Lap dances and “grinding” need not be restricted to dance floors and sketchy strip clubs. Instead, you can make yourself a great playlist and have a private DFMO with your partner. Mutual masturbation is exactly what it sounds like and can include fingering. Fingering involves manipulation of the clitoris, vulva, vagina or anus with the fingers and is generally considered nonpenetrative because penetration (if it does occur) does not involve another genital organ. Even in this case, the use of gloves or finger cots is encouraged for protection. Additional outercourse pleasuring possibilities include hot talk, sexy stares, erotic fantasy, spicy role-plays, showering or bathing together, strip-tease and phone or e-mail sex.

Think about your own sexual preferences and boundaries and talk with your partner. Keep the lines of communication open, protect yourself and your partner and be creative!

Have fun!

— The Sexpert