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The great laundry room war

It used to be that my biggest problem regarding laundry was running out of clean underwear. For a lot of us, college is the first time we have to do our own laundry; a chance to learn how to properly separate loads and to determine which cycle on the dryer will heat our clothes to a steamy 105 degrees and which one will leave them soaking. Our foray into the world of laundry also forces us to figure out how much detergent is necessary and how much will cause a mini-flood of foam in the laundry room (some of us learned the hard way). Who could have known how important laundry technique would be? And that is not even taking into account the social aspects of doing laundry. Sure, it has been embarrassing at times to be sorting out bras in front of guys from the football team or realizing that a static-y sock is stuck to the back of your sweater, but for the most part laundry has become a more or less innocuous part of our weekly — or monthly — routines.

It seems, however, that tensions have begun to build in the basements of the residential buildings on campus. What started as small arguments about “borrowing” detergent or taking up three washing machines at once — just do laundry more often, okay? — has progressed to altercations and, now, what appears to be a full-on war. In a perfect example of military strategy, the seemingly brilliant idea of laundry room dry-erase boards has become a dangerous weapon of anonymous messages and threats in the war zone.

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Shortly before Intersession, I went down to do a quick load of laundry — wash my favorite jeans, lucky socks, etc. — and found what can only described as a manifesto written on the message board. Conceived in a moment of pure anger and post-exam delirium, it described what the author would do if he or she ever found the person who moved his or her clothes from washing machine No. 3 into dryer No. 12. The message is too abusive to print here.

As malicious as it was, it did offer these instructions: “Do not move any load into the dryers unless explicitly asked. Some people are washing delicates or other important items that will be RUINED if put into the dryer. Simply put the clothes from the washing machine on top of the washer — if you feel you have to move anything.”

While I sympathize with those whose “tumble on low heat only” clothes have been shrunk or ruined — my younger sister certainly benefitted from having many of my favorite articles of clothing shrink in the wash — it must be said that those who are washing clothes with detailed instructions should simply come pick up their laundry when the cycle is over. In the chaos of war, there are bound to be casualties; don’t let your cashmere sweater become one of them. If you adhere to this maxim, then there is no reason to condemn the Good Samaritans who believe they’re only helping. On the flip side, Good Samaritans should take the hint — or explicitly worded dry erase board messages — and cool it on the preemptive drying. That no good deed goes unpunished has already been proven time and time again.

But perhaps the Good Samaritan is not the only soldier on the battlefield — one friend told me of an extreme case in which someone’s entire load of laundry was stolen out of the washing machine. Before, we only had to worry about losing articles of clothing from the coatroom in Cloister. Now our clothes could go MMC — Missing Mid-Cycle. If there are unlucky victims of the Great Laundry War reading this, know that our prayers are with you.

Angry messages scrawled across dry erase boards, clothes scattered on the floor, entire wardrobes stolen out of machines — these are just some of the war-torn scenes and crimes found in the heat of battle. Don’t let the calming sound of the washing machines lull you into a false sense of security — it’s a dog-eat-dog world down there in the laundry room.

It has come to the point where I’m scared to linger in the laundry room, afraid of being accosted by incensed students whose favorite sweaters have shrunk in the wash or are convinced that their detergent bottles are lighter than when they last used them. In fact, I am now careful to return to the laundry room one or two minutes before my load is due to finish so that I can ensure its safe transfer into the dryer of my choosing. It’s dangerous work behind enemy lines, but my wardrobe depends on it.

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I can only hope that this personal appeal will inspire insurgents across campus to pursue peace and bring an end to the Great Laundry War. Until then, I wish you the best of luck. May your detergent never run dry, and may your clothes always wash to completion.

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