11 p.m. 154 pages to read, 1800 words to write, six math problems to pretend you know how to solve. To an ignorant outsider, things may not be looking too fantastic. But it’s fine. You know better. The night is young, and baby, you’re gonna pull an all-nighter. Do you know what that means? You’re basically getting 133.33 percent more out of your day, in terms of time spent awake!
A knock sounds at your door; it’s your friend who’s having severe relationship issues, “if you’re not too busy.” You’re intrigued by the drama, and you’ve calculated that you still have almost half a day until your first class in the morning, so you decide to play the role of the sympathetic friend.
12 a.m. 149 pages to read, 1800 words to write, six math problems to appear to mull over. Boy, are you glad you have no romantic life to worry about. That was a lot of tissues to lose in one conversation. That was also a lot of time.
No big deal, though. You’ve settled yourself on your windowsill seat, highlighter and book in hand. You’ve got a fleece blanket spread across your lap, a mug of hot chocolate within arm’s reach and a frame of iridescent Christmas lights to complete the image. You’re fit for the cover of a college brochure. Millions of high school juniors will look at your picturesque profile and think, “Wow, that’s my motivation to score high on the SATs and start working on my Common App during summer vacation.”
1 a.m. 67 pages to read, 1800 words to write, six math problems to mock-solve by copying examples out of the textbook. Do you feel guilty about YouTubing “Kittens Riding Vacuum” and “Lion Trying to Attack Baby at Zoo”? Not really. That kitty was motivational. So was that lion. That was some exceptional feline perseverance. If only the current scholarly debate on the morality of euthanasia was as fun as kittens clinging to a vacuum or lions trying to munch on a baby.
The kitty probably got rewarded by a loving owner for its determination, too. It’s just a little depressing to know that there’s no dish of milk waiting for you on the other side of this textbook. #princetonfml
2 a.m. 23 pages to skim, 1800 words to write, six math problems to doodle things under. It’s time: hot chocolate out, coffee in.
It really isn’t your fault. You consumed those caffeinated beverages for the sake of the all-nighter! Of course you would have to use the bathroom. And how could you have known that, on your way to the bathroom, you would run into four of your hall mates playing Boggle? How could you have known that when they said one round, they really meant eight?
But it’s fine. It’s fine. You probably would have spent the better part of that time Facebook-stalking the sluttier sect of your high school acquaintances anyway. You’re still well on track.
3 a.m. ZERO PAGES TO READ! 1800 words to write, five math problems to reread aloud over and over again in different accents in an attempt at comprehension. Finally, one thing to cross off your Post-it that’s been hanging on your wall all night.
Your roommate has at last abandoned you on your journey to accumulate as much sleep debt as humanly possible before winter break hibernation. What a softie, snoring almost tauntingly under that warm duvet. The very noise of respiratory dysfunction seems determined to challenge your resolve. It’s as if the god of snores is out to get you, LIKE IT’S GOING TO HIDE UNDER YOUR BED AND —
You slap your own cheeks and decide it’s time for coffee number three.
4 a.m. Zero pages to read, 1800 words to write, two math problems to stare at for a long, long time.
A long, long, long, long, long time.
5 a.m. Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the fire nation spilled cup noodles all over the floor. Wait, that wasn’t the right opening. That was also plagiarism. Sorry about that.
Zero pages to read, 1578 words to intellectually vomit, zero math problems to claim to have finished.
The marks on your keyboard cover are looking increasingly bothersome by the second. No matter how much you readjust it, once you press a key the rubber skin just dents and changes color and it’s just so annoying but you know what if you could airbend the keys instead of typing with your fingers all your problems in life would be solved, right?
6 a.m. – [ages tp read, 1233 wprds tp wrtie, 0 math [rpb;ems tp do/
It’s rea;;y fime becaise ypu’ve defomotely wrotten a ;ot pf usable ,aterial in tje [ast hour amd yoi feel prettu giid avout it. Back tp wprk!!111!!1
7 a.m. yt5retfghyu
10 a.m. Oh, shit.