News & Notes: Gabinus Debenedettus steps down
It is with great regret that The Daily Prophet announces the retirement of former editor-in-chief Gabinus Debenedettus, who was found wandering the woods with no memory of who he was after what appeared to be a traumatic incident with a fire-breathing hellcat in the Forbidden Forest.
His position will be taken over by his former deputy editor, Mina Skeeter, who found him in the forest and was the only witness to the terrible event.
“It really is a tragic, tragic loss,” Skeeter said, pointing her wand at her robes to mend what appeared to be scorch marks. “Oh well, let’s get down to business. Who’s getting fired?”
Following the change in leadership, a series of lower-level adjustments were also made to the masthead. The newsroom pet, Kiran the Meerkat, was exterminated after he was discovered nibbling at the load-bearing support beams of the newsroom.
The entirety of the 56-person news staff was also promptly removed from duty after disagreeing with an arbitrary decision Skeeter made.
“I’ll personally be taking over all responsibilities of the news department,” Skeeter said. “I can do it better than they did anyway.”
In addition, after three former editors were promoted to fill Skeeter’s job but then promptly quit after inexplicable vandalism and suspected domicile arson, it was announced that former editor for copy errors and speling mistakes Andrew Butterbeer would be taking over.
Yet despite firing half the staff, Skeeter announced that associate copy and spelling error #toricadiz would be staying on the masthead, despite the fact that she may not actually know where the office is located.
This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Never trust the news.