Who wants to win 5 dollars?

Weather Fans, much as Beowulf gave freely of golden rings and bejeweled chalices to Geatish warriors, over the last three years I’ve not been stingy with the lulz. Thanks, however, to the failure of my three-point strategy for thesis success (no facebook.com, no Florida Lotto, growing an outrageously unkempt thesis beard), I need your help. In fact, the situation is so desperate that I’m about to switch to an emergency Plan B topic, namely, showing that rap music stunts the growth of houseplants by more than 20 percent. These results will fit nicely on a tri-fold board, including the all-important “materials” section.

But you, creative and repressed Weather Pal, can do me a solid by providing precious content in the Million Fun Buck Ultimate Giveaway of Destiny. Basically, I want you hit me with your most exquisitely vivacious thesis-related song parodies, and not only will the best entries be published in this space, but the winner will reap fabulous rewards via Prize Patrol, including a genuine Captain Planet tote bag, 1,000,000 gold-backed Weather Guy Fun Bucks and a copy of Rush’s seminal 1981 LP “Moving Pictures.” (All female contestants are also automatically entered into the upcoming Miss Weather Guy pageant.)

To give you an idea of what I’m looking for, here’s a little something I whipped up as central New Jersey’s fourth most popular weather parodist that I like to call “Thesis Time:”

Girl, tonight I’m gonna work on my thesis.


You know how I know?

Because it’s Wednesday,

And Wednesday night is the night I usually write my thesis.

Tuesday night I go to KASA’s stir-fried rice study break,

Thursday I play co-ed intramural broom hockey,

But Wednesday night, conditions are perfect.

YouTube is currently down for maintenance,

Search result contains no messages,

Ooooh, conditions are perfect.

I ran into my advisor today and she said something like,

“Where’s that draft of chapter 3 that was due last week?”

I know what she’s trying to say,

She’s trying to say, “Awww yeah, it’s thesis time,”

It’s thesis,

It’s thesis time.

She’s trying to say write your damn thesis,

It’s thesis time, ooh.

Next thing you know, I’m at Dillon Gym mastering stairs,

Watching Nancy Grace on Headline Prime.

That’s not part of writing a thesis, but it’s still very important.

Now I’m in the carrel,

Citing existing literature very, very clumsily

Block quoting extensively to pad my word count

Now I’m down to just an old t-shirt from my residential college

Oooh, Butler Harvest Hoedown ’04

And you know when I’m wearing the Hoedown shirt what time it is

It’s thesis,

It’s thesis time

When I’m down to the Hoedown shirt it’s time for thesis

That’s why it’s called the thesis shirt, ooh,

It’s thesis time.

Writing analysis

Writing analysis for two

Writing analysis for two sentences

When you’re reading my independent work, baby,

You only need two sentences

Because I’m so insightful.

My advisor sends an e-mail like,

“Your conclusions are groundless.”

I know what she’s trying to say,

She’s trying to say, “Awww yeah, groundbreaking.”

Then she says she wants some more,

Well, I’m not surprised,

But it is 11:45,

And Firestone hours are over … baby.

Send entries by midnight Tuesday to rtruchel@princeton.edu. Until next week, keep those cameras safely rolling America, and honey, if you’re reading this, I’d be extremely surprised.