Recently my girlfriend has become pretty violent and hostile during intercourse. What once was playful slapping has evolved into full-on violence; she hits, even punches. It has gotten to a point where the physical and verbal abuse has scared me away from sex. What should I do to get back to the days of playful, enjoyable love-making?
- Scared Off
Dear Scared Off,
You should tell your girlfriend exactly what you just told me - that the "physical and verbal abuse has scared [you] away from sex." Sexual encounters are supposed to be, above all, enjoyable for both parties involved. If one half of the partnership, in this case you, is not enjoying himself or herself, then there is a failure of communication that should be resolved. Once your girlfriend hears how you feel, I'm sure that you can figure out a way to achieve enjoyable love-making for both of you, with no violence involved.
On a more serious note, it is very important to talk to your partner in situations where any form of physical force is involved. While some people find BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) to be a sexual turn-on, before using any of these methods, even light slapping, it is important to talk to your partner. What one person may see as fun or frisky the other may interpret as demeaning or violent. If both partners do discuss and agree to use such methods in their sexual encounters, it is important to set out boundaries and ground rules and to discuss safe words before beginning any such activity. For help in having that discussion or in setting such rules, feel free to contact any of the SHAs.
Remember to keep communicating, to tell your partner when you're uncomfortable, and I'm sure that soon love-making will be as playful and enjoyable as ever!
-Sexpert
Dear Sexpert,
I've heard of a new contraption that girls can use during their periods called the DivaCup. What is it and how does it work?
- Diva in Need
Dear Diva in Need,
Simply put, the DivaCup is a soft silicone (hypoallergenic and non-latex) cup that a woman can place into her vagina during her period to catch her menstrual blood. It performs the same task as a tampon (note that it is not a contraceptive method), but instead of being thrown out after each use, the DivaCup is washable and reusable. This makes it a much more environmentally friendly choice than pads or tampons, which are not particularly biodegradable and end up filling up landfill after landfill.
The DivaCup is inserted into the vagina just as a tampon is. Whereas a tampon will self-inflate as it becomes filled with menstrual blood, however, a woman placing a Diva Cup in her vagina needs to make sure that it is fully open and seals off the area between the uterus and the vagina to work. With a few tries, though, this should be no more difficult than putting in a tampon. Like a tampon, when inserted correctly the woman should not be able to feel the DivaCup inside her.
The DivaCup can hold up to 30mL of liquid. Most women only lose about 30-40mL of blood during their entire menses, so it is possible to leave the DivaCup in for up to 12 hours without removal. To remove the DivaCup, a woman simply has to reach into her vagina (perhaps a little farther than one would with a tampon), pull out the bottom end of the Diva Cup and empty the contents into the toilet. Then, simply clean it in the sink and reinsert it into the vagina.
Because of the way the DivaCup fits into the vagina, it is also much better at preventing leaks. Essentially, it rests firmly in the vagina, held by the vaginal muscles and sealed to the uterus. There is nowhere for the blood to go but into the DivaCup and then out into the toilet once the DivaCup is removed.
The DivaCup is also reusable. All a woman has to do is take the DivaCup out of her vagina when she is done with her period, wash it and store it until she needs it again. The best way to clean the DivaCup is to place it in boiling water, though rubbing alcohol can also be used to help remove natural discoloration.
As if all of this weren't good enough, the DivaCup has never been associated with toxic shock syndrome, which is a serious and sometimes fatal disease that has been found to be related to tampon use.
Similar to when using tampons, however, it is not possible to have sexual intercourse when using the DivaCup, as it takes up space in the vagina. Unlike tampons, though, the DivaCup does not protrude from the vagina and actually keeps the vulva area much cleaner and freer of menstrual blood, so if you choose to engage in other sexual activities, the chances of there being excessive mess involved is greatly reduced.
All of this information and many more specific details are available on the DivaCup website, divacup.com. If you are interested or have any more questions, feel free to check out the website!
-Sexpert
Original URL: http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2008/03/27/20572/