As gourmands of hip-hopera know, R. Kelly is fond of guns. From marital infidelity to can opening, there are few problems that Kels can't solve by pulling out his Beretta and counting to three. In a little known incident, at age 10 he is believed to have singlehandedly engineered the Camp David Accords when, after penetrating seven layers of security, R. Kelly threatened to cap Menachem Begin unless he agreed to cede the Sinai.
At Princeton, copious cash is our trusty sidearm. While we have enough dough to build an enormous McDuck-style vault and teach undergrads to swim in an ocean of bullion, instead we choose to fritter it away each year on a variety of ridiculous initiatives. Sometimes, this takes the form of building a library in the shape of Chili's Awesome Blossom (extra awesome). And sometimes, it involves dropping a couple g's so uberdorks can e-visit Nassau Hall while consuming Funyuns in their parents' basement.
Second Life is an online virtual reality realm with nearly 10 million users, over 9.9 million of whom resemble the "before" picture in Proactiv commercials. In a shocking development, Weather Guy Investigations has uncovered another nefarious administration plot to undermine the eating clubs through a two-pronged attack of hosting an alternative Lawnparties on Princeton's Second Life e-campus and making the real Lawnparties lame. (This is why the headlining acts are Everclear, whose last performance was at a Flying J Truck Stop, and a Spuds MacKenzie cover band, despite Spuds being a dog and not having any songs.) In a 3 a.m. blog post, technology center director Janet Temos GS '01 announced the event, saying, "Rather than injecting Natty Ice into their eyeballs, students can use them to admire our campus' three million polygons, while enjoying some rockin' MIDI tunes. And with our newly uploaded moshing utility, students will be able to e-thrash by repeatedly tapping Alt, F4 and the appropriate directional arrow!"
When questioned on the benefits of such e-wankery for the broader Princeton community, Temos defended the event. "Only at Alt+Lawnparties will there be opportunities to cash out home equity with Ditech, click the money monkey and win or calculate a crush's exact name. Plus, XxQuotaChick35xX will definitely be there," Temos noted, winking unsubtly at the mention of Dean of the College Nancy Malkiel's avatar.
For my part, I am vehemently against the creation of additional Princetons, which doubles forecasting workload and taxes my "minimum effort, maximum gain" ethos. I'm predicting a warm, sunny and humid Lawnparties weekend, with highs topping out in the mid 80s and afternoon heat indices approaching 90 on Saturday and Sunday. In Second Life Princeton, on the other hand, there's a 40 percent chance of attack by Anonymous, the noted Internet Hate Machine. My advice: Get a dog. Spuds will do.
Until next time, this is the Weather Guy saying, "Don't tase me, bro."
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