Princeton University is racist against me, I mean, non-whites
Editors' notePlease see the editors' note (Jan. 17) regarding this article and the joint statement (Jan. 22) issued by the Asian-American Students Association and The Daily Princetonian.
This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
Hi Princeton! Remember me? I so good at math and science. Perfect 2400 SAT score. Ring bells?
Just in cases, let me refresh your memories. I the super smart Asian. Princeton the super dumb college, not accept me. I get angry and file a federal civil rights complaint against Princeton for rejecting my application for admission. They rejected me because I'm not blond or blue eyed and my name doesn't end with Ockefeller IV or Osworth. I try convince my mom and dad to change my name to Jack Bauer (they could keep their own last names if they wanted to), but they told me Jack only graduated from Berkeley. Not my faults. All I get is huffiness from Princeton admission office and even fellow Yalie Jojo M. T. Witts-Piley. The Daily Princetonian no help either. Only make funs of my unfortunate circumstances.
What is wrong with you no color people? Yellow people make the world go round. We cook greasy food, wash your clothes and let you copy our homework. Brown people are catching up, too but not before the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Plus, two Princeton professors showed that racial preferences for black people and Hispanics hurt admission opportunities for me. I mean, Asians in general. The Great Wall Street Journal support my case. What more you want?
Dean of Admission Janet Rapelye say, "Anything that seems unfair is under scrutiny." Hello? Ni hao ma? Does Rapelye have any idea what unfair means? Did she have to be work on the Union Pacific railroads and haul ass? I don't think so. Woman.
Then she have nerve to say my outside activities were "not all that outstanding." What do you mean not outstanding? I make record for number of science fairs entered. I stay after school with Mu Alpha Theta eight hours everyday after school to memorize the 2,309,482,039,482,309 digits of pi. I play yo-yo. I memorize William Hung dance for college application video (See www.youtube.com for my peformance. Aleksey Vayner's dance scene almost as good as mine. Almost.). I play in New Jersey Youth Orchestra five years in row. Violin, piano, viola, clarinet and cello. All at same time. Not oustanding? Ai yah.
Princeton claims that it increase diversity by rejecting an Asian-American. You make joke? My mom from same province as General Tso. My dad from Kung Pao province. I united 500 years of Rice Wars. I invented Asian glow — new color, new race. Hey, what about yellow fever? Heard that's hot on this campus. This is as diverse as you can get.
Plus, no-color people all go to Ivy Club; I would have made Campus Club alive again. Plus, I would have created first Asian a cappella group. Plus, I would have starred in first Chinese Opera in McCarter Theater. Plus, I would have join USG, become USG president better than Rob Biederman. Who you think get better deals with Ivy Garden boss anyway? Plus, I know how to make bubble tea. Plus, I would have taken one engrish class and be liberal arts. Writing seminar count, right? Multiply, I make DDR varsity sport.
I not complaining though. Yale suck ... I mean, I love Yale. Lots of bulldogs here for me to eat. I can wear my knockoff polo shirts, and no one notice. Fake Burberry, Coach and LV? A-okay here. Plus where else can I get rob, beaten and mugs all in the same week? Lian Ji is a member of the Class of 2010 at Yale University. He plans to be Princeton GS '14 if Princeton stop being so dumb. He does not hate white people and in fact would like to extend an open welcome to all races (including no-color) to his Chinese New Year celebrations held in Berkeley College.